I’m as efficient as a fish ant, I’m as mythical as a productive government employee, and I’m the kind of lover your mother would approve of. Ask her—she’ll tell you how good I am in bed.
It’s supposed to be raining Thank Yous on Thursday, after an ingratitude draught. Also, you’d better enjoy my love while it’s fresh, before it goes rotten and I have to sell it to McDonald’s as chicken filler.
Hard work sends your opponent a message. It says you’re not talented enough to win on intrinsic merit alone. I sent my opponent a message. It said, “I’m to lazy to edit before hitting send.
Even though I wore an eye patch, the Cyclops and I, we didn’t see eye to eye. We argued about the nature of love, and I hated it, so in the name of love I had to stab him.
At night my shadow multiplies, and clones itself into total darkness. Half of all nudists hate me half the time, and half love me half the time. Sadly for me, the half who love me are the fat ones.
I keep my heart in my hope chest. Other items in there are clothes, towels, silverware, and all the love I have to offer my future wife. I must specify that my love is hand wash only.
A tree once saved my life. A posse was going to hang me, but this wise old oak would not let them. As a token of my gratitude to that tree, I used it for furniture instead of firewood.
In high school, I was convinced I had super powers. Well, just one really. I was sure I had the gift of invisibility. But nobody saw how super I was, because nobody saw me.
I love you like bananas—bunches. Monkeys also love bananas. I’m growing a tree in honor of honor, and I think we should hang out.
Sometimes I wish I were someone else. Times like those I borrow somebody else’s nametag. I make love like Todd. At least Today I do.
And out came an insult with the velocity of a whisper. But I could see I offended, so I zipped up my pants and left the wedding reception.
When someone is talking about their job, and they turn to me and ask me what I do, I stare off into space, let my eyes glaze over, and wistfully say, “I often wonder what I’m doing.
If you’re looking for someone to stand in the unemployment line, I’m the man for the job. And if you’re looking for a man who will make love to you all night long, then I’m the man for the job. I will help you find that man.
Some people use laughter as a weapon. It's all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just makes the joke even funnier, because you never see it coming.
Learning how to love is like learning how to tie your shoes, and that’s precisely why I wear slippers.
I swallow my own lies with big gulps, as if quickly chugging the chance of getting caught. No lie makes man thirstier than a dishonest I love you.
I’m so lonely, I just need somebody to call me—even if it’s a wrong number. I’m also hungry, so maybe that caller could order me a pizza after they hang up on me.
At first I thought my wife and I were made for each other. It was as if we came out of the same factory. I think we were made in the USA, because things quickly began falling apart.
Kent Ornado marries Sarah Urricane. One won’t take the others last name; instead, they’ll merge their entire names together to come up with Natural Disaster 1 and 2, respectively.
Don’t show me how I messed up, because I don’t need to be shown. Clearly if I’ve messed up once, I can do it again without any coaching from you.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I reminded them of Orafoura’s shadow, I’d have a penny more than ninety nine cents. And even then that’s because I muttered it to myself this morning in the shower.
