Back when I was a competitive swimmer, I used to dream of going to the Olympics. But then I changed my mind, once I found out how expensive the tickets are.
I boasted that I bested the best, and I did. I beat my clone. In my dream, of course, but who cares? It’s still a victory.
I don’t like to celebrate my birthday, because I don’t like taking credit for others’ work—in this case, my mom and dad. Or possibly my mom and the mailman.
My two parents represent the single greatest influence on my life. And if my dad had been there for me, it would be the double greatest influence on my life.
She had blonde hair like spaghetti noodles, and then she went and dyed it marinara. But I loved her like I enjoy all-you-can-eat pasta buffets.
One of the most productive ways a government can spend money on the people is by building more prisons. That’s what makes the US so great. That’s what freedom is all about.
One scoop of ice cream can go a long way. Not to mending friendships, but it can get up to 40 yards in the air if you lob it just right.
She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of vanilla ice cream.
Everybody knows love is a universal language, but not many people know it only has 22 letters. Love can say more with 22 letters than English can with 26.
I’ll flick a penny to the dirt, and if I see one on the ground I won’t pick it up. So why is .99 cents so much sexier than a dollar?
Everybody thinks they’re a prophet. They must, or nobody would get married. Or maybe at a 50% divorce rate, only half the people are fortune tellers. Probably the men.
Call me Bitter Otter. It’s just a nickname I gave myself. However, a better descriptive and more realistic name for myself would be Tangy Walrus.
We fell in love like the Fourth of July. But there was nothing red, white, and blue about it, because we fell in love in England, despite the fact that the colors on their flag are also red, white, and blue.
I ran over some dog poop on my drive home last night. But I didn’t feel bad, because I didn’t vote for that particular politician.
I should invent a stationary bike/electrical generator/phonograph player, so that when the grid goes down I will have motivation to exercise for my nightly entertainment.
If you ask me a multiple part question, and half my answers are yes and half are no, I may just average them together and give you a definitive and vague maybe.
They should make blindfolds with circles cut out where the eyes are, so kidnappers would be able to tell when their victims‘ eyes are closed, so their secret locations aren’t revealed.
Teagan: How long has it been since you read a book that didn’t havevampires in it? Abby: They write books with no vampires? Wait...the penguins made us read that Shakesrear guy, right? Teagan: Shakespeare.
I’ve found the safest place to store my valuables is in a trash sack. Unless I invite a bunch of hobos over one night, who’s going to rummage through rubbish?
Conventional wisdom holds that water is liquid at room temperature. Well, not if that room’s temperature is 32 degrees. That also happens to be the optimal storage temperature for all the love I have for you.
I want to invent a What does it do? machine. “What does it do?” you’re probably wondering. Well, I’ll tell you. What it does is makes you wonder: What does it do?
