I make love like a half an hour minus 27 minutes. If you’re as bad in bed as I am in math, that’s roughly four minutes. And I do mean rough.
For men, money, like sex, is something that nearly everybody wants more of, and unless you are famous or influential, you probably have to work hard to get any.
Shaving a sheep is considered foreplay in some countries. But I don’t consider foreplay at all, not even before sex.
Sometimes my thoughts are too slimy for my brain, and they come shooting out of my penis. They are life-changing thoughts, so I’d recommend taking them deep inside of you.
The word "sex" has no sex. It is androgynous and probably asexual. And even though I have sex (my sex is male), I have no sex, despite knowing willing females.
Through the fog Orafoura said, “Those people are black.” “I know,” I said, “they’ll match the lemonade.” I make love like an Arnold Palmer, but not like Arnold Palmer.
I don’t like sleeping, but I do like watching the inside of my eyelids. That’s how I drive, and that’s how I make love. Honk when you’re finished.
I don’t trust mutes. By their silence, I wonder what they’re hiding. The lost Templar treasure, mysteries of the universe, my love for you—who knows what they could have hidden away.
I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length of time. It’s also so quiet that you won’t hear it.
I have just been elected Captain of the Nap Squad. It's a very exhausting position, and requires training twice a day, once when I get up and once before bed.
I’d sip your tears with a straw while you sleep, because I’m thirsty for your love. And the more I’d drink, the thirstier I’d become. Your love is oceanic.
I work for the nod syndicate. It’s a sleepy job. If I’m caught not sleeping on the job, I’ll get fired.
Are there any sleeping jobs, because I have a lot of experience. Years and years, actually. And with on the job training, I can show up to work tired.
Love is a roundness, like a hole—a black hole. If what she wants is space, I’ll give her space—enough to fill an auditorium that has ample seating for a lecture by Stephen Hawking.
If counting is thinking, then the longest I’ve ever thought about any one subject continuously for is 127, 983 seconds. I might have also been in love, though I was too distracted to notice.
If I only had five minutes left to live, I’d only be half as alarmed as normal, because my watch is five minutes fast. And I can get a lot done in 10 minutes.
It’s times like these I wish I had a watch. It’d also be nice if it was broken. That would let me know that now is always the best time to love.
Love should be unconditional, while hair should be conditioned. Air should also be conditioned, and worn in place of hairnets.
Some people collect cars. I collect unemployment. Once my collection gets large enough, I’m going to start a country like the United States.
I’m not selfish. I’d gladly give someone’s life, a more valuable life than my own, while I humbly preserve and keep my own meager life for myself.
He’s half blind,” Orafoura said. “Oh,” I said, “he’s only got one eye? They call that a Cyclops.” “No, he’s got two eyes,” Orafoura replied. “He’s half blind because he’s in love.
