A lawyer, a politician, and a prostitute walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” And I’d have to agree. Serves them right for being so sleazy.
If I spent ten years in prison, I’d probably come to value the small things in life. Things like good food, a comfy bed, and a toothbrush sharpened into a shank.
The best thing about dating a deaf woman with no nose is being able to fart in bed and have her not know. Well, that is unless Edmond tells her, but I don't think he will.
I have the Denver Omelet of accents. And considering I’m from Denver, it makes sense. Now if I also lived in Cheeseland (Wisconsin) it would make perfect, yummy sense.
I only know I was born on March 5th because someone told me. I don’t remember myself. So it’s fact based on secondhand information and trust.
When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.
If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I'd have 50 cents. That's assuming drag queens are half price.
I wish I had a crystal bowl to see into the future with. Every morning I would eat my cereal out of it while I read tomorrow's newspaper.
I put the hop in IHOP, and jumped on my pan of pancakes and then on to Panama. That’s standard government issued foolishness right there.
He was cold and ugly, so I lent him my invisible cloak. He was grateful and said if I was ever in the area again, I should try to find him.
When I was a concierge, I didn’t want a guest’s gratitude. I wanted gratuity. A thank you and a warm smile are always made warmer by a transfer of money.
To say that I grew up without parents is a lie, because I haven’t grown up yet. Also, all six of my potential parental candidates are still alive.
I’m sad that I’m leaving, but I’m happy that I’m going. The thing is, I am in love, and I’m going to be in love—but there are two people, two places, and one destination—in love.
My skyscraper of a heart met an earthquake of a woman. Why can’t I meet a simple window washer? My love is a hundred stories tall—and I wrote every single one of those stories.
You’re first place in my heart. And here’s a second-place ribbon from my third grade shuttle run to prove it. I’ve kept it all these years to remind myself that I’m a winner.
I’d like to spend money on a wallet, but if I spent money on a wallet, I’d have none left over to fill it with. At least my heart is full of love, even though I left it in a politician’s pocket.
One time a woman made my heart flood with love, and then fled the scene of the subsequent boating accident. Many people drowned that day, and all of them remember it fondly as they fondle themselves.
My attic is the size of a can of cat food, only filled with more meows and not as tasty. So you see, I have nowhere to store all my love but in your heart.
I may not be able to remember your name, but I remember your address and what time you leave in the mornings. Your name isn’t Rob, is it?
I don’t call watches watches, I call them grasps, because one, they grasp onto your wrist, and two, time isn’t something you can watch; it’s a concept you have to grasp.
Knowledge is ignorance. I know so much that I know I know so little. I used to think your name was a synonym for love, but now I just don’t know.
