Quotes of: Comic-book Keyword

Driving is better than walking, because hitting is better than being hit.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Thanks to my grandpa, I can go to France and not be visiting Germany. He single-handedly won WWII (he only has one hand).

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If pens doubled as bullets, I bet few writers would want to write about war.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I spoke the word “moo” into a glass of water, hoping to change the structure of each water molecule into the shape of a cow. I felt like drinking a steak.

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I didn’t win a championship, but I did pop some champagne bottles—and a few locks. Why bother training when you can just steal the trophy?

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I gather wisdom like a net gathers fish. And the more fish I get in my net, the more I feel like a chicken.

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If I had three magic wishes, I’d use the first wish for one more, to replace the one I just wasted wishing for something I already had.

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I had to stop selling stick-figure portraits of women at the beach, after too many customers complained I was making them look “too fat.

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If you’re wondering how I’ll ask you how you’re doing, the answer is silently and invisibly. My love is often overlooked, like a midget behind a counter.

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Her mouth contorted, and the wrinkles around her lips were like the dunes of a frosted cupcake. And I just wanted to lick her living word machine (mouth).

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I don’t mince words—I mincemeat. And combining these two I’m writing a cookbook called, “101 Pies I’ve Never Eaten—And Neither Should You.

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I meant to spend the day writing, but instead I spent the afternoon cleaning out my belly button. Historians will thank me one day.

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I like using White Out. But sometimes backspace or delete works just as well, when I don’t have Windex to clean my computer screen.

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Writing all day every day is good, but it’s not good enough. You need to have your clone ghostwriting for you too.

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I wrote a zen koan once about love, but it didn’t make any sense. That’s how I knew I had accurately described love.

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My love is like hooray! Special terms and conditions may apply. See dealer for details. Coupon not valid with any other offer.

This Book Has No Title

The schizophrenic in the sleeping bag with a live chicken and a can of tomato soup spilling onto the sidewalk had no right to steal my street performance.

This Book Has No Title

At Starbucks I like ordering a “Tall venti in a grande cup.” That’s basically me asking for a small large in a medium cup.


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Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard.

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I can draw like it’s nobody’s business. I use my door as a canvas, so don’t knock, because it’s nobody’s business.

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I watch baseball on TV like my cat watches the window. Somebody open the blinds so we can see better!

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