Quotes of: Comic-book Keyword

I have a bedroom rug that I feed. It’s not very flat, and it meows when I step on it.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

My workout partner is a cat. We nap together. He spots me a place, and keeps it warm, and then as soon as I spot him I go to him and cuddle.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Your dead cat would look great on my t-shirt—along with tire tracks on my chest. What better time is there to love than now?

This Book is Not FOR SALE

My cat’s favorite chew toy is a pen. I’d wager that he is a better writer than me.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Love is like a blanket: it will keep you warm, but it might also suffocate you. Also, it's probably covered with cat hair—love, I mean.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

A meow’s a sound I want to look at. And after I see it, I want to pet it.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

When I describe love to an emotional Helen Keller, I usually say it has four legs, fur, and possesses the ability to either purr or meow.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If I painted a dog statue to look like a cat, the people would pet it. But why paint that when I could paint politicians as honest, for-the-people people?

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I sometimes rub a bag of potato chips, but honestly, it’s no substitute for petting a cat. I’m the sort if pet owner that doesn’t approve of high fructose corn syrup.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

It’s not fun to pet cats when you’ve already poured gravy on them, and you’re holding silverware.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Today I’m feeling uncharacteristically chiaroscuro, and I don’t know what that means for my future, or as a word.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

My wallet was empty after the charity auction. Of course, my wallet was empty before the auction too. I donated my time and money to strippers.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

The idea of adultery is like a soccer ball. Yeah, you might kick it around for a while, but if you actually wind up scoring, you get slapped with a huge penalty.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I can’t marry a bisexual woman, because she might be having an affair with the same person I’m having an affair with. And it’s not affair to share.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Erin runs errands, and Aaron runs around on her behind her back while she’s out. He’s such a philanderer he should get a Nike contract.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

A woman I had sex with is carrying my child, because God has made it so that my hands are full. They’re full of hope for the future.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I like seeing little kids in shopping carts. It's good practice for when they turn 18 & have to spend the rest of their lives in jail cells.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I asked if she wanted kids. She said her clock is ticking. I said, That’s because I set it five minutes ahead when you weren’t looking.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

What I got out of church was a love of God, and a detestable feeling for the men standing in the way of Him—and the buffet in the banquet hall. Stand aside—I’m starving!

This Book is Not FOR SALE

The stranger was as white as a gallon of milk, and I felt the desire to pour his soul into my coffee. I’d drink him like the ghost of my grandpa.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I drink coffee like I urinate—alone, or in large groups. Sometimes I wish I knew the secret handshake.

This Book is Not FOR SALE