I'm not famous, but some people know me by name. Other people know me by number. That number is four.
My niece just turned one. I gave her a birthday card that read, "If you can read this, Happy Birthday!
I couldn’t have pulled it off if you hadn’t have pulled out all those years ago. So thanks, dad.
My dad always used to tell me __________________. My dad never told me anything. He had nothing to say, and even less to say to me.
I’d like to change my name, as my father isn’t worthy of having the same last name as me. I’m a rebel without a because.
I think the best time to stare off into space is when you’re going 65 on a motorcycle, provided you’re wearing your astronaut’s helmet.
I don’t dress like I have any money. And I don’t have any money, which helps enable me to dress like that.
Your fate is like a new jar of peanut butter. It may be sealed, but you can choose whether it is smooth or crunchy.
Fear is healthy. I wish it came in a pill. I'd bottle it up and sell it to little children and the elderly.
Renaldo once made a sex tape, and even fully erect, he still had to shoot it four times just to get some "footage.
Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves.
Some guys are the type of people who bring brass knuckles to a fight. I've always thought it prudent to bring some running shoes.
I’m nothing. I’m just a humble man in a bumblebee costume trying to pollinate with a woman as romantic as a flower. Love doesn’t have to sting.
He wanted to pay me in agriculture, but I told him, "I need something that's going to put food on the table.
When there’s no more food, only the anorexics will be amped up. And I’ll be there to drink up that excitement, because eating all that food made me thirsty.
An inch of enchilada, as good as it is, is not even worth a centimeter of love. My feelings for you are hot, so you may need some sour cream.
Even roaches won’t eat McDonald’s. Neither will any of the Donalds I know, and I don't know anybody named Donald.
I told her I'd wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who'd give me a ride home.
I say yes, turn the other cheek, and let me slap your butt again. Forgiveness can be oh so naughty.
I could tell we were going to get along from the way he wiped his ass—on my tie.
Normal is made up of two friends—Norm and Al. That’s twice the number of friends that I have, probably because I’m weirder than normal.
