Diversity is like a buffet, only with people. That’s why I like associating with individuals who are as close to macaroni and cheese as humanly possible.
Orafoura was yelling at his dog (not a German shepherd) in German, and I thought, “I didn’t realize dogs can speak German.
Dreamland, I couldn’t stay away, because I couldn’t stay awake. I traveled there in my sleep, at 65 miles per hour, while I was driving.
When I write my dreams down, I can relive my sleep when I am awake.
For the celebration I got champagne flutes, even though I’m not musical. That night I felt like Mozart. He was a drunk, right?
The patrons aren’t patronizing the store, and it’s not just the economy that’s keeping them out—it’s that nobody here likes to be patronized.
I have an 8th grade education. Of course, I also have a bachelor’s degree.
He said he didn’t think he is good, but you can tell that secretly he thinks he’s good. And he’s right—he’s not good.
I love writing about love, even though I’m an emotional orphan. I didn’t abandon my feelings—they abandoned me!
If jellybeans came in a broader flavor base that included emotions too, I’d avoid the red ones, because they would taste like rage.
We are the wire, and tomorrow is like yesterday with a furry back. Don’t pet me, Tuesday! Please don’t Wednesday with my emotions.
When congratulations are in order, I like to wait until they’re out of order to offer a high five or enthusiastic pat on the back.
Today I found yet more evidence that I’m a lunatic. The proof came in a package in the mail. The sender? Myself. The evidence? Tampered with.
To take another person’s life for personal gain is the most selfish act imaginable. Especially when that other person is your clone.
I’m always amazed that my twin has the same birthday as me, and that he doesn’t exist. I wonder if I exist?
I respect my elders, but I don’t respect the Myelders, who are my neighbors, because they are so neglectful of their lawn that it’s like they don’t even exist.
In my experience, I’ve found myself to be inexperienced. But at least I found myself. Some people spend their lives searching in vain.
Experience counts for something. I count with my fingers. I could count on you, but you’ve only got one finger for me (the middle one).
I like undressing women with my eyes, but I just can’t quite figure out how to unstrap their bras with my eyelids.
I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.
It’s spring now, and I was just thinking that I haven’t been in love since the fall. The fall of the Roman Empire.
