Father: There was this English butler out in India. One day, he goes in the dining room and what does he see under the table ? A tiger. Not turning a hair, he goes straight to the drawing room. "Hum, hum. Excuse me, my lord," and whispering, so as no...
Robin Hood: [posing as a fortune teller] A face appears. A crown is on his noble brow. Prince John: Oo-dee-lally! A crown! How exciting! Robin Hood: His face is handsom, regal, majestic, lovable. A cuddly face. Prince John: Handsome, regal, majestic,...
[Charlie is meeting Angela for the first time. Angela goes off to get a cup of coffee] Charlie Fineman: Are you kidding me? She's a baby. Alan Johnson: Listen, you're right, she's young. But, she-she's good. She's got a lot of experience with loss an...
[General Turgenson's phone rings in the war room] General "Buck" Turgidson: Hello... [whispering] General "Buck" Turgidson: I told you never to call me here, don't you know where I am?... Well look, baby, I c-, I *can't* talk to you now... my preside...
[while he is disguised as a zombie, Ed's phone rings and he answers it] [others look horrified] Ed: Two seconds! [he chats on his phone until Shaun knocks it out of his hand] Ed: Oi! What are you doing? Shaun: [shouts] What am I doing? What are you d...
[last lines] James T. Kirk: There will always be those who mean to do us harm. To stop them, we risk awakening the same evil within ourselves. Our first instinct is to seek revenge when those we love are taken from us. But that's not who we are... Wh...
Kay Eiffel: [Penny goes to answer phone] Don't answer that! Penny Escher: Didn't you say this phone never r - ? Kay Eiffel: Shh! [types another sentence; the phone rings and she runs to answer it] Kay Eiffel: Hello? Harold Crick: Is this Karen Eiffel...
[eyeing the "KEEP OUT" signs surrounding Shrek's home] Donkey: I guess you don't, uh... entertain much. Shrek: I like my privacy. Donkey: Y'know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you tr...
Dr. John Watson: What of Mary? Palm Reader: M for Mary. For marriage. Oh, you will be married! Dr. John Watson: [nodding his head slowly] Go on. Palm Reader: [looking intensely at Watson's palm] Oh, I see pattern tablecloth and... Oh, china figurines...
[Figuring out which con to pull on Lonnegan] J.J. Singleton: I dunno know what to do with this guy, Henry. He's an Irishman who doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, and doesn't chase dames. He's a grand knight in the Knights of Columbus, and he only goes ou...
[Lamia is about to cut out Yvaine's heart] Tristan: Yvaine, hold me tight and think of home. [Tristan lights his Babylon candle. They escape, but end up on a cloud in the middle of nowhere] Tristan: What the hell did you do? Yvaine: What did *I* do? ...
[outside the witches' castle] Septimus: [as he holds a sword to Tristan's throat] Who are you? What business do you have here? Tristan: [he sees the number 7 mark on Septimus' hand] Septimus... I knew your brother, Primus. Septimus: Unless you wish t...
Cartman: [singing] Well, Kyle's mom is a big, fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the boys and girls. / On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, o...
[demonstrating a "V-Chip" planted into Cartman] Dr. Vosknocker: Now, I want you to say "doggy". Cartman: Doggy. Dr. Vosknocker: [to audience] Notice, that nothing happens. [to Cartman] Dr. Vosknocker: Now, say "Montana". Cartman: Montana. Dr. Vosknoc...
[Buzz #2 and the other toys tries to get Woody back home] Buzz Lightyear: Hold it right there! All: Buzz? Buzz Lightyear #2: You again? Buzz Lightyear: Woody! Thank goodness you're all right. Woody: Buzz, what is going on? Buzz Lightyear #2: [throws ...
Alonzo: Why do you wanna be a narc? Jake: I want to protect the streets by ridding it of dangerous drugs. Alonzo: Yeah, but why do you wanna be a narc? Jake: I wanna make detective. Alonzo: There you go. You stick around with me, you'll make it. Unle...
Howard: Say, answer me this one, will you? Why is gold worth some twenty bucks an ounce? Flophouse Bum: I don't know. Because it's scarce. Howard: A thousand men, say, go searchin' for gold. After six months, one of them's lucky: one out of a thousan...
Randolph Duke: [Valentine overhears the Dukes talking in the bathroom] Pay up, Mortimer. I've won the bet. Mortimer Duke: Here, one dollar. Randolph Duke: [chuckling] We took a perfectly useless psychopath like Valentine, and turned him into a succes...
Terence Fletcher: You are upset. [Andrew nods yes] Terence Fletcher: Say it. Andrew: I'm upset. Terence Fletcher: Say it so the whole band can hear you. Andrew: [a little louder] I'm upset! Terence Fletcher: Louder! Andrew: [loud] I'm upset! Terence ...
[after buying his used car, Burt says he needs some wheels to build a trailer for the motorcycle] Fernando: Well, I got a couple wheels in the shop I could let you have, but first you got to do me a favor. Burt Munro: Oh, well just say the word. [cut...
Patrick Denham: Most of the Wall Street jackasses I bust are douchebags, just like their fathers before them. But you... you, Jordan, got this way all on your own. Jordan Belfort: Did I? Patrick Denham: Good for you, little man. Jordan Belfort: Me, t...
