He watched in awe as she stacked up an enormous armload of music. "There," she finished, slapping Frank Zappa's Greatest Hits on top of the pile. "That should do for a start." "You are a music lover," said the wide-eyed cashier. "No, I'm a kleptomani...
Randal Graves: All right, look, there's only one "Return," okay, and it ain't "of the King," it's "of the Jedi." Hobbit Lover: Oh, Star Wars geek. Randal Graves: Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your preciouses. Elias: You'll have to ex...
Randal Graves: Before he was the Mad Ducats guy, he was just Pickle Fucker. You see, freshman year, the seniors would hunt us down and put us through what they called "initiations." They'd stuff us into lockers or throw us in the girl's shower room n...
Randal Graves: Man, you must love this fucking guy, 'cause he's the biggest pussy I ever met, the dude who lives his life according to everyone else's standards. "I have to go down to Florida and get married because that what's expected of me." And t...
El Paso Sheriff: Yea, well, none of that explains your man though. Ed Tom Bell: Uh-huh. El Paso Sheriff: He's just a goddamn homicidal lunatic, Ed Tom. Ed Tom Bell: I'm not sure he's a lunatic. El Paso Sheriff: Yea well what would you call him? Ed To...
Jeff Bebe: I also slept with Leslie [pauses] Jeff Bebe: when you were fighting. Russell Hammond: [Surprised] You slept with Jeff? Sheldon the Desk Clerk: Yeah, but it didn't count! It was the summer we decided to be free of all rules! Russell Hammond...
This is what we, in the con business, call making a spectacle of ourselves. Let’s try to avoid that from now on.” “Except […] Mr. No-Sex-in-the-Bathrooms is going to describe two probably drunk people who staggered in. Plus, he thinks I’m a...
There were, of course, other heroes, little ones who did little things to help people get through: merchants who let profits disappear rather than lay off clerks, store owners who accepted teachers' scrip at face value not knowing if the state would ...
If You Knew What if you knew you'd be the last to touch someone? If you were taking tickets, for example, at the theater, tearing them, giving back the ragged stubs, you might take care to touch that palm brush your fingertips along the lifeline's cr...
Becky: [on the roof about to teach Dante how to dance] Hey, Twelve-Step! [Jay looks around confused] Becky: Jay! Jay: [looks up] Lord? Becky: Up here, jackass. Jay: [moves so he can see her] What the fuck are you doing up there? Yo, if you're gonna j...
Elias: Randal... [Holds up onion ring] Elias: "One ring to rule them all." Randal Graves: And you wonder why no chick'll let you stick your cock in her. Elias: I never wondered that. Randal Graves: Yeah, 'cause you've accepted the fact that you'll ne...
Mr. Potter: [to George Bailey] Look at you. You used to be so cocky. You were going to go out and conquer the world. You once called me a warped, frustrated, old man! What are you but a warped, frustrated young man? A miserable little clerk crawling ...
Randal Graves: I know you've given a blowjob, right? Becky: I haven't even put my purse down, yet. Randal Graves: That's a yes. Randal Graves: [to Dante] And I know you've gone down on chicks. Becky: What's your point? Randal Graves: Well, when you'r...
