Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on its way in from New York City. Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?
Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark? Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.
Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous. Clark: Nervous or excited? Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks. Clark: You shouldn't use that word. Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks
Clark: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber. Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust. Clark: Whatever, Russ. Whatever.
Clark: [Finally revealing his Christmas Bonus] It's a membership to the Jelly of the Month Club. Eddie: [Overwhelmed, almost choking on his eggnog] Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year.
Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.
[Uncle Lewis lights his cigar accidentally burns the Christmas tree] Clark: Lewis? My tree! Uncle Lewis: So what's the matter with you? Clark: Look what you've done to my tree!
Rusty Griswold: Wow dad, we must have jumped that rail by like 50 yards. Clark: Nothing to be proud of Russ... [pauses as Rusty walks away] Clark: [proudly] ... 50 yards...
Clark: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the express way? Pimp: Fuck yo mama! Clark: Thank you very much.
Cousin Eddie: How do you like yours, Clark? Clark: Oh, medium rare, a little pink inside. Cousin Eddie: No, I mean your bun.
Today, as in Clark's day, the U.S Senate remains a club for millionaires. No longer checked by 'instructions' from state legislatures, senators are also more likely to serve for life than they were before passage of the amendment. 'It is as difficult...
Clark: So, when did you get the tenament on wheels? Eddie: Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it? Clark: Yeah, it looks so nice parked in...
America is the spirit of human exploration distilled.
I'm not picky. When I'm hungry, I eat.
If you were going to be best friends with anyone - Kevin - you had to hate a lot of other people, the two of you, together. It made you better friends.
Ellen: Clark, I think it'd be best if everyone went home... before things get worse. Clark: WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell.
[as an entourage of suits - lead by Clark's boss - passes by single file] Clark: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.
Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to. Clark: When have I ever done that? Ellen: Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays... Clark: Goodnight Ellen Ellen: Vacations, graduations...
[talking about Snot, Eddie's dog] Eddie: If you scratch his belly, Clark, he will love you till the day you die. Clark: I really shouldn't, Eddie. My hands are all chapped.
Clark: [Clark looks down at the jello and sees that it's trimmed with cat food] Aunt Bethany, does your cat eat jello? Eddie: I don't know about the cat, but *I* sure am enjoying it.
Karen Clarke: I am gonna go into Linton's office and I'm gonna pull the little pin on that fucking grenade. Liza Weld: Don't do that. Karen Clarke: I'm fucking joking. I'm not gonna do that.
