A brick could be used to remind you. I would remind you of what you need to be reminded about, but that’s not my role—that’s the brick’s place.
A brick could help get your unruly hair under control, by getting at the root of the problem—your skull. Increase force as necessary.
A brick could be used to tell the world’s largest Yes what you really want to tell it, which is no. Tell that Yes no now, and use a brick to help you do it.
A blanket could be used to aid a waiter with bringing out a large order of beer. Those customers can drape themselves in soggy drunkenness.
A brick could be used to make it harder for people to achieve their dreams. A brick is just another obstacle they have to overcome if they are going to achieve their goals.
A blanket could be used to sell your winningest product to your loserest customer. Oh, loserest is a word. I know, because I just wrote it.
A brick could be used like yellow sneezes hello every time love walks like a slinky down the stairs. Who used my shoe as a soup bowl?
A blanket could be used to attract a potential mate. I’ve already got my mate. I bought her in a mannequin store (she was on sale).
A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid, wait up a second!
A brick could be used to sell war to the peacemongers. The trick is to sell war cheap, because the real profit is in the renewals and extending the service as long as possible.
A blanket could be used to tell you exactly what I mean, at precisely the moment I don’t mean it. When I say go, Don’t!
A brick could be used to trick a snake into leaving your pet mouse alone. That way you’re free to use the mouse as you want to, you pervert.
A brick could be used to help you write the book you’ve always wanted to write. That is, if you wanted to write a book on masonry with a target market of two—your parents.
A blanket could be used to sell ice cream to streakers. Well, it could, if those naked runners didn’t leave their wallets in their pants.
A brick could be used to stop a tornado, unlike a mobile home, which only acts like a tornado magnet and seems to increase its power.
A blanket could be used to help acclimate your body for your after death experience. Hell is hot, so you’d better warm up first.
A blanket could be used to say hello to all the goodbyes I’ll never see again. Keep it wrapped tight, because every bye should be covered in darkness.
A brick could be used as a sex toy. Well, I say sex toy, but the politician strapped to the bed would probably say torture device.
A brick could be used to prop up a wobbly table—or an unstable relationship. I wish I’d have thought of that before I got divorced.
A blanket could be used to make all your dreams come true. Well, not all of them. Just the ones that are happening while you are sleeping.
A blanket could be used to cover up Jude McNude. But despite his last name, he isn’t nude, merely cold. No, I’m the naked one.
