For those, like me, who can't rely on being given a home smoker this Christmas, you can build your own approximation with just a roll of tin foil and a big wok or pan for which you have a lid.
Christmas is a response to bring mankind back, to restore some original intent that could never be even remotely restored by any effort of mankind regardless of how grand or majestic any such effort might be.
All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.
The truth is Christmas evolved from the Roman holiday Saturnalia, a winter festival where men gave gifts to each other. They also would get drunk, have sex with each other and beat their wives
Aunt Bethany: What's that sound? You hear it? It's a funny squeaky sound. Uncle Lewis: You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.
Todd: Well, something had to come through the window! Something had to break the stereo! Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, *Todd*? Todd: I don't *know*, Margo!
Clark: Catherine, if this turkey tastes half as good as it looks, we're all in for a real treat! Eddie: Save the neck for me, Clark. Clark: Okay Eddie...
Audrey: I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas. Art: If they know your dad, they won't think anything of it.
Clark: [a squirrel is loose in the house] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things. Cousin Catherine Johnson: Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.
Audrey: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is? Ellen: Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.
Eddie: [holding Aunt Bethany's present] This one here, is leaking. [Ellen sticks her finger in the leak. Eddie leans over and sucks it off her finger] Eddie: It's lime!
Clark: I can't believe you're standing here in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come. Eddie: Yeah I'm excited about it too.
Santa Claus: Damn. How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What's next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?
Mrs. Weasley: [at the dinner table on Christmas] Sit down everyone, sit down. That's it, now present time.
Ron: [looking for information about Nicholas Flamell] We've looked a hundred times. Hermione: [leaning closer] Not in the restricted section. Happy Christmas.
Perry: Merry Christmas, sorry I fucked you over. Harry: No problem. Don't quit your gay job.
[in the record studio, Billy breaks off singing "Christmas Is All Around"] Billy Mack: This is shit, isn't it? Joe: [gleefully] Yep, solid gold shit, maestro.
[Billy's record makes #1 at Christmas; he gets a phone call] Billy Mack: Hello? Elton! Of course. Of, of course! Send an embarrassingly big car and I'll be there!
Sid Hudgens: Are you tight with the DA, Jackie? Jack Vincennes: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He tried to throw me off the force last Christmas as a little joke.
Jack Skellington: [singing] There's children throwing snowballs / instead of throwing heads / they're busy building toys / and absolutely no one's dead!
Jack Skellington: No, Zero. Down, boy... My, what a brilliant nose you have. The better to light my way! You're the head of the team, Zero!
