Our many different cultures notwithstanding, there's something about the holidays that makes the planet communal. Even nations that do not celebrate Christmas can't help but be caught up in the collective spirit of their neighbors, as twinkling light...
When I was six years old, I fell in love with magic. For Christmas, I got a magic box and a very old book on card manipulation. Somehow, I was more interested in pure manipulation than in all the silly little tricks in the box.
Back in 1960 at Christmas time, I did work loading and unloading boxcars for Railway Express. That was a kind of weight training that helped me. I weighed about 160 when I started. I began to gain weight and kept right on gaining until I reached 195 ...
'I am a bad mother.' Every Christmas, this is what I think because the holiday season fills me with such anxiety. I'm sure that other mothers are happily baking cookies, decorating trees, and finding perfect gifts for everyone.
We no longer sing and dance. We don't know how to. Instead, we watch other people sing and dance on the television screen. Christmas, which was once a festival of active enjoyment, has turned into a binge of purely passive pleasures.
I had eight brothers and sisters. Every Christmas my younger brother Bobby would wake up extra early and open everybody's presents - everybody's - so by the time the rest of us got up, all the gifts were shredded, ribbons off, torn open and thrown as...
Let no pleasure tempt thee, no profit allure thee, no ambition corrupt thee, to do anything which thou knowest to be evil; so shalt thou always live jollily; for a good conscience is a continual Christmas.
Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on its way in from New York City. Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?
Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark? Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.
Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous. Clark: Nervous or excited? Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks. Clark: You shouldn't use that word. Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks
Clark: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber. Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust. Clark: Whatever, Russ. Whatever.
Uncle Lewis: Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you. Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything. Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.
Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.
Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic. Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
Mrs. Helen Shirley: Yes officer, it seems my husband's been abducted. The man was, was wearing a blue leisure suit. Plates were from Kansas. He was a huge, beastly, bulging man.
Eddie: If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwin' that hockey player. Clark: What about the kids? Eddie: His kids can fend for themselves.
Clark: [realizes his bonus is a jelly-club membership] If this isn't the biggest bag-over-the-head, punch-in-the-face I ever got, GOD DAMN IT! [kicks widly at the presents under the tree]
Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess. Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah. Clark: How'd you get through it? Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.
Margo: I hope he falls and breaks his neck. Todd: Oh, I'm sure he'll fall. But I don't think we're lucky enough for him to break his neck.
Margo: [a knock on the door] Go away Todd. [another knock] Margo: If you want to come in you'll have to break down the goddamn door! [Several SWAT officers bust down the door]
Peg Boggs: [talking on phone] Well, of course, we'll still have our Christmas party. Why wouldn't we? [talking on other end] Peg Boggs: Well, you may think that, but you're wrong.
