I had eight brothers and sisters. Every Christmas my younger brother Bobby would wake up extra early and open everybody's presents - everybody's - so by the time the rest of us got up, all the gifts were shredded, ribbons off, torn open and thrown as...
Let no pleasure tempt thee, no profit allure thee, no ambition corrupt thee, to do anything which thou knowest to be evil; so shalt thou always live jollily; for a good conscience is a continual Christmas.
Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on its way in from New York City. Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?
Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark? Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.
Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous. Clark: Nervous or excited? Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks. Clark: You shouldn't use that word. Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks
Clark: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber. Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust. Clark: Whatever, Russ. Whatever.
Uncle Lewis: Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you. Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything. Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.
Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.
Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic. Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
Mrs. Helen Shirley: Yes officer, it seems my husband's been abducted. The man was, was wearing a blue leisure suit. Plates were from Kansas. He was a huge, beastly, bulging man.
Eddie: If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwin' that hockey player. Clark: What about the kids? Eddie: His kids can fend for themselves.
Clark: [realizes his bonus is a jelly-club membership] If this isn't the biggest bag-over-the-head, punch-in-the-face I ever got, GOD DAMN IT! [kicks widly at the presents under the tree]
Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess. Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah. Clark: How'd you get through it? Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.
Margo: I hope he falls and breaks his neck. Todd: Oh, I'm sure he'll fall. But I don't think we're lucky enough for him to break his neck.
Margo: [a knock on the door] Go away Todd. [another knock] Margo: If you want to come in you'll have to break down the goddamn door! [Several SWAT officers bust down the door]
Peg Boggs: [talking on phone] Well, of course, we'll still have our Christmas party. Why wouldn't we? [talking on other end] Peg Boggs: Well, you may think that, but you're wrong.
George Bailey: Merry Christmas, Mr. Potter! Mr. Potter: And Happy New Year to you, in jail! Why don't you go on home? They're waiting for you!
Pratt: Is it true that you went twelve-for-twelve with the Maxim Girls last year? Tony Stark: That is an excellent question. Yes and no. March and I had a scheduling conflict but fortunately the Christmas cover was twins.
Harry: Its hard to believe it was just last Christmas that Harmony and I changed the world. And we didn't mean to and it didn't last long. You know a thing like that can't.
[having just sung the words "Love is all around me" instead of "Christmas is all around me" yet again] Billy Mack: Oh! Fuck wank bugger shitting arse head and hole!
Jack Skellington: The job I have for you is top secret. It requires skill, craft, cunning, mis... Shock: And we thought you didn't *like* us, Jack.
