Capitalist cycle of profit. The rancher sells a cow for profit. The butcher sells cuts for profit. The restaurant sells meals for profit. And the patrons spend money for profit.
The first step to running a successful business, is printing out pictures of all the luxury items you’re going to buy once you get rich.
My asshole smells like burnt firewood, and I’ve got firemen calling me. But I won’t answer, because my answer is no, they can’t take me out on a date.
I’m divorced, in debt, and I can’t grow sideburns. Sometimes I get depressed, but then I think, It’s OK—I can still grow a mustache.
Don’t go on a ghost tour, because you won’t see a ghost. Well, you might. Maybe I have ghost blindness and can’t see the invisible.
Who needs a large vocabulary when you can just make up any word at any time? It makes life a whole lot more emeaglibop.
In the off chance I’ll be turned on, I keep a light switch in my pocket. (Who turned off the light in my pocket? Oh yeah, my erection.)
I think a cool band name would be War Dwarf. Of course, I’m entirely too tall and peaceful to be a member. Not to mention nonmusical.
I just made a fan gun. Instead of shooting bullets, it shoots the breeze. Just doing my part to make a more peaceful, and cooler, world.
I like a man who pauses to reflect, while pausing in the mirror to reflect. I can imagine that such a man would look exactly like my clone.
I am the sum of all somes, with a few scattered nones and nuns thrown in (though I didn’t throw the nuns in, as I don’t condone violence).
I am a duck. I’m cool and calm on the surface, but underneath it all is a nonstop struggle to succeed. My feet are like orange spatulas.
I cried at the funeral. It wasn’t because I loved her, it was because I was there, in the front pew at the church, chopping onions.
I’ll kill you with kindness. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll kill you with something deadlier, like a karate chop.
A lightning bolt is sharper than an axe, because it’ll chop down a tree with one strike. My love is like that too—good for making firewood.
With reason did the Athenians adjudge guilty of atheism, in that he not only divulged the Orphic doctrine, and published the mysteries of Eleusis and of the Cabiri, and chopped up the wooden statue of Hercules to boil his turnips, but openly declared...
So we live; a spirit that broods and hovers over the continual death of time, the lost meaning, the unrecaptured moment, the unremembered face, until the final chop that ends all our moments and plunges that spirit back into the void from which it ca...
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
I bought you a box of karate chops, but it could be dangerous to open it with a knife. And cats are masters at getting into boxes, so here, try opening it with my portable meow maker.
