We made up, and I knew just how to do that. I told her, “I feel like dancing. Let me grab my dancing shoes and stick-on mustache (better to tickle your vagina with).” And she replied, “My vagina already has its own mustache.
Vanilla has become too genericized. It’s become standard, which is good. Vanilla is a household name. But the same standardization that’s made it so popular has taken the novelty out of it. Being the vanguard of ice cream has vanquished its radic...
I am Oscar Wilde’s reversible underwear. I am John Wayne’s rusty six-shooter. I am William Shakespeare’s identity crisis. I am a kiss delivered Priority Mail, to a girl named Agatha, by me dressed as a mailman.
Freud was a fraud, but he’d probably think I have a complex of some kind. Anal, oral, Orafoural, etc. While most kids wanted to grow up to be an astronaut, one of Barbara Streisand’s bras, a priest in sheep’s clothing, or an IRS employee, I alw...
You know, if a waitress asks me if I want ketchup with my fries, I’ll reply, “No thanks, I’ll just drink water.” And that’s not just a statement about table etiquette; it’s a personal quote that accurately reflects my moral and philosophi...
The pockmarked and chalk-white sidewalk was like the surface of the moon, and I felt like Neil Armstrong as I walked along in my space boots and white helmet with my visor flipped down. Of course in zero gravity, Neil probably had a more impressive e...
I can’t write anymore. My words are paper airplanes tenuously gliding towards the dust. The wonder of the Phoenicians, which throughout the latter part of this entry I have not fully comprehended, is getting vaguer still. Where did this feather in ...
Agatha and I rode off towards the sunset together. On a unicycle. Two bodies, one wheel, one seat, one love. And tomorrow Agatha’s clone and I will ride off towards the sunrise together. On a bicycle. Two bodies, two wheels, one seat, two loves, on...
When a lack of white blood cells exposes the horizon of being, one has to make a choice. To cloister yourself away in a germ-free environment, alive but alone, or to embrace the woman you love and catch your death of cold at the marriage ceremony? Wh...
Going down my list of notable women in my life, we come to Y. Y for Yolanda, and as you might have prophetically foretold, we met at the Y (YMCA). She looked like a beaver, smelled like a skunk, and may or may not have been dead for days when we were...
It’s day number six after Agatha broke up with me. I’ve taken over seven hundred pictures documenting my emotions as reflected by my facial expressions. I think the one that most accurately sums up how I feel is image number 389. I call it “Cer...
Or [take] the old cripple worried about choking on his vitamins or tripping if he tries to hobble over that wide crack in the sidewalk. He won’t be bound by mere experience - he renounces it all together as something confusing; the very moment it o...
There was an old saying in my household when I was growing up: “Never eat the Cheerios after your brother’s pissed in the milk.” Of course, since my pops had to work three jobs to support us, we often did have to finish our cereal, no matter if...
I’m an organic kind of guy. To paraphrase Fight Club, The food you eat, ends up eating you. It’s true! Just think of all the chemicals found in modern foods. Take bleach, for instance. There’s bleach in everything we eat from breads to pastas. ...
Today was a rocket ship of a day. If you guessed that today was Monday (Moonday), you’d win the “Astronauts Make Better Lovers” Award. But I say, Take off your fucking helmet when I’m talking to you. And do they really make better lovers? I s...
The two seemed on casual terms, leading me to wonder how long this limousine had been in her life, and whether she had ever seen the inside, and if so, whether she climbed in the front seat or the back, and if the front, did she help navigate, and if...
I couldn’t go back to my apartment. I was forever estranged from my place of habit – the carpet I would ash my cigarettes on, the gin bathtub where I would soak to keep my weight down and stir my medicines, the couch full of holes from slippery s...
As my grandfather once famously shouted, in a drunken stupor, “You can’t have fish tacos if you still have the hook in your mouth!” And while I have no idea what he meant, or how it’s relevant, I tell that story to any indigenous Mexican I me...
That night she looked like the most beautiful girl I’d seen outside a sticky nudie magazine. She had a glow about her, like a pink neon shop sign on the outskirts of Orafouraville that says “Rose is For Sale.” Prostitution or a grammatically in...
The eye that is still says more than a chattering mouth.
Silence is wittier than any jest. Thou wanteth to express thy feelings with eloquence and grace? Drop thy jaw boldly and beautifully. There, thou’rt starting to get it. But hang out thy tongue more. Let the drool strands drip down thy chin and give...
