Politicians, it’s like they’re competing to be the most incompetent. Well, guess what? They’re all winners to me. And by winners I mean losers.
I toss and turn so much in my sleep that the very act of sleeping must be exhausting for me. Sleeping makes me want to sleep even more.
Our house was open to anyone who needed a little extra support or comfort or just a home-cooked meal.
Her friends say she is very funny. At a family dinner, she stood to go, and the footman very properly pulled her chair away. At that moment I asked her a question and she sat down again, except there was no chair. Everyone, including the Queen, laugh...
You don't even have to leave your house: you do your work from your house; you can order anything you want from your house; you don't have to leave your chair. Everything's been designed so that you never leave your computer chair.
Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming.
I can hardly be expected to think like Santa. I get three times the letters, I poop burritos, and my penis is two reindeers more plentiful.
I cried because I had no wallet, until I met a man who had no money. I don’t know why he had no money, because that man stole my wallet.
The great thing about being a government is you can wage nonsensical wars, and people will line up to give their lives in exchange for small paychecks and being called patriots.
You don’t know her like I do, because you don’t know her like I don’t. It’s true, I don’t know her at all. What’s she like?
I said I’d drive to her place. But she lives in her car, so I don’t see why she couldn’t just drive her place to my place.
As a student of war tactics, I don’t like birthdays, because they lack the element of surprise. However, a birthday’s fixed date allows you 364 days to prepare your next ambush.
Today is indeed an historic occasion when as a first chair-in-office woman I hand over to another woman chair in office, your Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, in the presence of a woman head of the Commonwealth, Her Royal Highness, Her Majesty the Quee...
I had something called the back of the chair test. Where I sit, we don't sit like you and I do. I can see a sliver right behind them and they come out and they sit like this like god students and they don't touch the back of the chair.
William 'Wild Bill' Wharton: [about to pass out from drugs] I don't see why white man has to sit in a nigger electric chair. White man should have his own damn electric chair.
I was taught never to make a threat unless you are prepared to carry it out and I am not a fan of carrying anything.
It is a well known fact that even among highly cultured peoples the belief in animism prevails generally. Even the scholar may kick the chair against which he accidentally stumbles, and derive great satisfaction from thus 'getting even' with the perv...
When I’m sad, I think about happier times. Times like 3:33, 12:34, and 3:21. This last one usually spurs me into action and helps stop me from just stopping.
It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy patting myself on the back. But if I clap for you, and you pat my back, we can both feel like winners.
If we all had an additional twelve hours a day, think of how far mankind could advance in just a year! That’s exactly what I’d be thinking about while I was sleeping twenty hours a day.
Have an itch? Simple—rub poison ivy over the rest of your body, so that all the skin contributes its fair share to a unified, and more hopeful, future. That’s top-level political thinking right there.
