I was driving over the Buckman Bridge when 9/11 happened. If I’d have know my actions would directly lead to the deaths of 3,000 people, I’d have taken another bridge.
Do I have a light? Yes, and I also have two instrumental versions of Nirvana’s “Teen Spirit” I can offer you, if you’re interested.
Cliff said he’d jump off a cliff, and I called it a bluff. I didn’t think he was bluffing, but I did think he should have accurately called it a bluff and not a cliff. Such is the nature of nature.
When someone says so-and-so’s opinionated, what’s that mean? Aren’t we all opinionated? Show me one person with no opinions, and I’ll show you a bowl of Jell-O—or a politician, whichever one’s dumber.
When I want to feel productive, I box up my stuff—and then unpack everything. With my work ethic, and my unethical nature, I think I’d make a perfect politician.
The cops came by and said my nemesis had been poisoned, shot, stabbed, beaten, hung, drowned, and subjected to Gilbert Gottfried’s voice at a high decibel level. “Ah,” I said, “so you suspect his death was a suicide.
I was standing in a slow checkout line at the grocery store, and a woman with a daughter in front of me struck up a conversation. About two minutes in, she mentioned that her daughter just turned eighteen. “Oh my God!” I said. “Have you been wa...
A kite can't really fly free,that's just an expression. In order to soar high in the sky the string of a kite needs to be anchored. If the string breaks the kite drops back to the ground. The kite's freedom depends on it not being as free as he think...
A country isn’t something concrete, composed of intertwined individuals interlocked together. That’s absurd. A country is abstract, with some silly frilly flag and pomp and a song—a national anthem. But dust off the glitter, replace the flag, c...
I'd often slip and fall on the ice after last call, which explained the ever-present welts. If I were with a woman, I'd usually execute a precautionary vomit in the men's room in an effort avoid any ugly incidents once I got her back to her place. An...
The no-booze rule is one of several shams perpetuated by certain religious groups, presumably to keep their flocks in line. After all, what’s a shepherd to do with drunk sheep? So take your medicine, but leave the booze on the shelf. We have a labe...
Cheap booze is a false economy.
I eat ice cream. It's better than booze.
Phil: Can I have another one of these with some booze in it?
Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly.
I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.
Gino refilled my glass. “What a night. Booze, broads, and a barroom brawl.
All the songs we do are basically about one of three things: booze, sex or rock n roll.
Mitzi: [to Felicia and Bernadette] What fun. Baby bottles of booze.
It's pure Black Label. It's about violence and booze. That's all it is. There is no plan.
All I cared about that summer were suntans, beaches, boys and booze.
