If I had all the money in the world, I’d love seeing my name on billboards, buildings, and battleships. The only thing I wouldn’t like seeing my name on would be a credit card. Especially not while I am spending it.
My clones will look like me, and therefore I’ll treat them like myself—starting with spending all their hard-earned money. You can’t love someone else if you can’t first love yourself.
My day starts like a regular guy’s. I wake up, drink raw eggs, run around Philadelphia, and punch raw slabs of meat. Wait, that’s not my story—that’s Rocky’s. I get us confused all the time.
You can’t compare the taste of organic and non organic fruits and vegetables. Organic tastes like a ten-minute trumpet solo in your mouth, and non organic tastes like a thirty second tape recording that’s been listened to a thousand times.
I run a Falconi Four operation out of my garage. If you’re not familiar with Vegas, you wouldn’t know what it is (it originated in Reno during the Falconi Reno Reign of Terror).
-I don’t want you to do anything. -Well then I won’t do anything. -Thank you. -Doing nothing, it’s the least I can do.
I carry a door with me wherever I go, because one, it’s symbolic for the opportunities that’ll open up for me, and two, I want to be the best door-to-door salesman who sells doors, so I carry a sample with me everywhere.
Her shoes were so pink that if she stepped in bubblegum, nobody would be able to see. And my shoes were so brown that if I stepped in shit, you wouldn’t be able to tell that I had just trampled on the collected works of Allen Ginsberg.
I once watched several criminals engage in an organized argument, while an audience of supporters cheered them on, but I was so disgusted that I had to turn off the political debate.
Don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes. You can’t fool an old sheep like me. To prove it, I’ll tell you that I’ve been continuously voting for the same person for president for years and years, a few of them even before he died.
Jarod Kintz is a friend, a lover, and a loner. Jarod Kintz talks about Jarod Kintz, because Jarod Kintz has nobody else to talk to. Jarod Kintz is also a liar and a thief, and that’s why I think he’d make a great politician.
How do you run with confidence and insulation?” Orafoura asked me. ”I don’t know,” I replied, “asbestos you can.” “No,” he replied. “You run for political office, insulated from the consequences that actions incur in the real world.
Don’t be alarmed by the flashing lights and the sirens you can’t see or hear. Just keep your blindfold on, your earplugs in, and keep driving way over the speed limit. You are in control of the US economy, and we are still proud we voted for you.
I don’t look for faces in clouds, I look for clouds in faces. And the best place to look is at the face of my friend, Carl Cumulonimbus, who I nicknamed “Rain Factory,” because he’s always either in a dark and stormy mood, or crying heavily.
Just because I wear a size 14 shoe does not mean I’ll take it off when I go to shake your hand.
You graduated 120 years ago? When I graduated I was just one of many in a large stack of love letters. Now get me out of this Time Fridge before I self-cannibalize! I walked a thousand miles to stand still in this moment.
And the next morning, after a night of passionate sex, I said those three little words I knew she’d been waiting to hear: woman, I’m hungry.
I used to date an older obese woman named Ten, but everyone just called her "X". Now I just call her ex X. She'll be XXXIV next month, and I think I'll get her an XXL sweatshirt for her birthday.
Everywhere I go I'm too focused on everyone else to realize that they are too focused on themselves. And by everyone else I basically mean myself. It's hard to think about someone else when that someone else reminds you of you.
We’re going to go in the back room as two singles, copulate back there, and come out a couple. Somebody go tell my clone where I am so he doesn’t go file a missing person’s report on himself.
We never know how bad we had it, until something better comes along and we get to experience it for a while before reverting back to what we had before. If you’re wondering, yes, I did get back together with an ex girlfriend.
