She had no mind, but I didn’t mind, because she had a body like an upside down question mark.
I would have enjoyed “Naked Lunch” that day, but the cafeteria served us all clothing. I like my meals a little more scandalous. I should eat in the library, along with the other gluttonous nudists.
I’m the sort of businessman who goes in to buy a lime, and comes out with a lemon. I’m shrewd like that. I’m the same with cars. If you ever need help buying a used car, let me know.
Some of the higher-ups in the organization don’t know anything about the company—including which floor they are on (the top one). It makes me angry enough to go out and start my own elevator repair business.
I’d give up three days just to get three hours with the woman I love. Of course this instinct is the reason why my investment decisions always look so great—for the people on the other ends of the trades.
I like how cats’ ears can flip inside out. It’s as if they’re saying, Keep talking, human, but I’m not even listening.
The way my vacuum cleaner sucks up cat hair, I shouldn’t have been surprised when it huffed up my mustache. But I was surprised it sucked out all the love and romance in our relationship.
Sometimes I wish I had been born with cat fur, whiskers, and a tail, though I guess I am grateful that at least I was born with my very own litter box.
My cat will love you more than me. He won’t love you more than he loves me, but he will love you more than I love you.
To some dogs I don’t like cats, to some cats I don’t like dogs, and to some people I don’t like. Mostly the people I don’t like are lawyers, lobbyists, and politicians.
Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt at a time.
I’ll buy your product and then return your product, and tell you to keep my money, so it feels more like a business transaction, rather than charity, which induces feelings of indebtedness on the end of the recipient.
I was driving to another girl’s house who’s not my girl, and I saw a red sign by the road that read, “Wrong Way,” and I thought, I agree. So I turned around and went home.
You won’t ever catch me wearing an oven mitt, because what’s wrong with a regular condom? If I’m wearing an oven mitt, I’m too late, because you’ve already got one in the oven.
I realize all guys have thorns. But I am a rose, and she chose a cactus over me. I wish her luck with her dry, desert-like existence with him.
My I love you was a measured response, like one gallon of coffee in one cup of sugar. It was just overflowing with an awakening of my soul.
A gun that shoots out rainclouds is a delayed water gun. I need to just pull the trigger and tell her I love her, but I’ll wait until her umbrella is open and her bathtub full of coffee.
I could either buy one missile, or 88,000 cups of coffee. Both would wake me up, but the coffee would also wake up North Korea. I’ll go with the coffee.
With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me.
I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself.
I use one word to ward off love: No. She used no words to ward of love. Seriously, she tells me nothing, and in this way she tells me she doesn’t love me.
