Quotes of: Book Keyword

Walking on the beach like a ventriloquist, I’ll make it sound like the ocean is calling out to you—through a conch shell.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m in the middle between a pessimist and an optimist. I take full responsibility for the glass half full. Well, I take half-full responsibility. But if it were full of beer, I’d take full responsibility.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Of all the pessimistic people, I am the most optimistic. I look forward to looking down on all the people looking up to me for answers from below.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If I had the word “war” in my last name, like “Flowar,” I’d probably be a peaceful guy.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

A telephone cord used to make an excellent leash on people. Now metal chains work better.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’d like to let another person reveal my personality, and I’d like this person to be my clone. My clone would see me from the inside, as well as the outside.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If I were stranded in the woods with nothing to eat but nuts, berries, and the complete works of Allen Ginsberg, I’d eat the latter first, because at least the nuts and berries might be inspirational to my poetry.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m wearing my political mustache today. If you want to see it, you’ll find it on the pubic region of a lobbyist.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

My love life is modeled after being muddled. I have a relationship like the one between you and your elected official—and your elected official and the lobbyists.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’m tired, and I just want to take a nap. But I want some good sleep, so does anybody know where I can go take in a political speech?

This Book is Not FOR SALE

My brakes sound like my horn, and my car’s bumper is bumpy enough to be brail. My ideal reader would be a speed-reading blind politician I didn’t vote for.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I always lift both lids of the toilet seat before I pee. Then I sit down while tinkling. If you think that’s crazy, then you haven’t seen a Florida gubernatorial debate.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I don’t break wind—I repair it. I am the anti politician, because when one speaks, he farts through his mouth, and the people always suffer.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If I say your breasts are perfect, don’t tell me I’m wrong—prove me wrong by showing me. If more people voted with their wallets, more strippers would be elected officials.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Love is more powerful than any gun. Still, I’d recommend wearing a bulletproof vest.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

An anonymous man has no power, because nobody knows who he is. But he also has all the strength, because he can attack invisibly and without being identified.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

The US has the highest incarceration rate in the world. I don’t want to release the prisoners—I want to lease them. If they’re not going to work, they might as well not work for me.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

The best time to complain is right after you’ve come up with a solution to the problem. Pose the questions, present the answers, and then pose nude while the people make statues out of you in veneration.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I like to keep a shotgun in my room for protection. You know, just in case my apartment gets broken into by a pack of deer, which is something I’m constantly worrying about.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I think the best punishment for a misbehaving child is to strap them to a chair and make them listen to Lady Gaga. Actually, perhaps that’s too cruel, too close to torture.

This Book is Not FOR SALE