Quotes of: Book Keyword

Language is the proper way to communicate, followed closely by five balled up fingers forming a fist and flying at a face. Violence is never the answer—unless the question is: What the fuck are you going to do about it?

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I hear what you say in what you don’t say, you see, because I’m a Helen Keller kind of communicator. Love is just as visible as invisible.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

People say I can handle pressure, but there is one sporting competition where if I were in the finals, I’d surely choke, and that’s the hotdog eating competition.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

In golf, you don’t beat the other golfers—you beat your self-doubt. That’s why I don’t play, because I can’t beat anyone—not even myself.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

When I win, it’s because I’m skilled. When I lose, it’s because my opponent is lucky. But when I fall in love, it’s because I’m lucky and she’s skilled.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Winning the lottery is all skill, and that’s why I don’t play—because it would be unfair to all the other competitors. I’m like that as a lover too, always thinking about the other competitors.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Too many people talk about the weather, and not enough people talk about agriculture. When somebody says to me, "Beautiful weather we're having,” I always reply, "Irrigation and crop rotation.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Dinner was good. The conversation was great, but the food was bad, so it averaged out. I wish I were as good in bed as I am in the kitchen.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

During conversation, I have no problem making eye contact—with myself in the mirror. Or with my clone, if he’s not rolling his eyes because he knows what I’m going to say.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Sometimes I ask myself, "Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?" And that answer, I'm afraid, is silence.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Every time I eat an English muffin I feel like I become more grammatically correct, more refined, more cultured, and an all-around gentleman.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I don’t quite know how to respond to people who say that I dance like my genitals are on fire. I usually just blush and brush aside their flattery.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If you’re going to hit on me, please wear boxing gloves. I get it though, because when I’m dancing it looks like I’m fighting. In the face of violence, I’m just that gentle and sensual.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Dancing? Not only do I have two left feet, but they’re different sizes. And I don’t put them in shoes—I store them in glass jars in my basement.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

A sister should set her brother up with one of her friends, unless her only friend is her sister.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I asked her out on a date, and she said, “Sorry, I can’t see you.” “That’s no problem,” I replied, “I won’t wear my invisible cloak.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If I grew an inch a day, in 365 days I’d be one year tall. I’d be over three basketball hoops high, but I’d still only be able to palm a Sunday once a year.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

In life or death situations, my father has only been there once for me. So I'd like to tell him thanks for not pulling out when I needed him the most: conception.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Some men want to go out with a bang. Personally, I'd rather not die from sex. I mean, what will my wife think when the police tell her?

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If politicians lived to be only 30-years-old before dying, that’d still be 30 years too long.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks