Love is a bridge between your future and mine. A bridge constructed entirely out of trust, honesty, and in our case, wooden planks.
Hungry and thirsty? Soup solves both problems at once. My love for you is starved and dehydrated, and all I need is one spoon.
Different people have different ideas. We need to kill them—the ideas, not the people. The people we just need to torture.
Shakespeare asked what’s in a name. Well, each of my clones won’t be named the same as me, but they’ll be me and just as sweet.
When someone I admire turns out to be a rather normal guy, I get offended because it’s an insult to my jealousy.
She tried to insult me in front of the whole party. So what could I do but yawn and walk away?
The ability to gauge intelligence is itself a form of intelligence. Monkeys don’t ponder how smart monkeys are. Ditto for politicians.
The internet's a great way to meet people. You never really know someone until you see their fake profile.
My knowledge is mine to use as I see fit. But I’m way too out of shape to see fit.
What does it matter if you can speak two or more languages if you have nothing original to say in any language?
I can’t get car parts at Lowes, the home improvement store? If I lived in my car, my car would be my home.
If I were a shovel salesman, my biggest customers would be murderers. Oh, and spurned lovers trying to bury the past.
2 out of 4 numbers prefer being in the bottom 50 percent. Half of all lovers also prefer being on the bottom.
I love petting trees. Especially if they are fir trees. Single lovers should be good with their hands. I admire Bigfoot.
I’ve long suspected myself of being a suspicious person. But that’s OK, because suspicious people make better lovers, right?
If anybody ever tells me to face them like a man, I’ll get offended, because my face can’t grow a beard.
Maturity doesn’t advance linearly, like you steadily and readily becoming more profound in your thinking. No, it staggers and stumbles like a drunk.
An empty room holds nothing but memories. At least it would, if I didn’t just finish packing up the last of the sadness.
The scent of your asshole smells like childhood memories. I mean it would, if I grew up in New Jersey.
I didn’t make two mistakes all day yesterday. I just made one long one that lasted 24 hours.
For most Americans, money and calories are always on their minds, although they burn too much of one, and not enough of the other.
