What you’d call stealing, I’d call a mistake. Or, if I were a politician, I’d call it an opportunity, and my privilege.
He has one of the worst personalities. Actually, you can’t call it a personality, since he acts more like an animal than a person.
The picture is bad because the photographer was poor. I took the picture myself, and you can clearly tell I have no money.
If you need me I’ll be napping in the supplies closet. The most important part of an attack is the planning.
I’ll steal the letter X, and replace it with treasure. So sex would then be spelled setreasure, but it’d still be just as pleasurable.
I’d Poe’s nude for the approval of a dead poet. No names come to mind, but I’m sure there must be one I’d get naked for.
I sell black markers on the black market. I am personally responsible for 50% of all truck stop urinal poetry.
I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?
Hardly anybody tells the truth these days. For the truth I have to go to Washington DC, and whatever a politician says, interpolate the opposite.
I want to keep politics out of my breakfast. Politics isn’t something I want in my eggs, no matter how scrambled I like them.
Is it any wonder that war is senseless? It’s started by politicians. As a class, politicians have no class, and even less sense.
I stayed up all night making love—to myself. That reminds me, I need to buy some more Jell-O and political biographies.
Would you mind terribly if instead of serving desert, I masturbated quietly at the dinner table? I’m training for Congress.
How to grow up slowly and secretly, not all at once like lunch in a condom, that is the essence of politics. But I don’t vote for dicks.
Like a spy, I planted a bug. Like a farmer, I watched it grow into a politician that more than half the people chose not to step on.
Is a wind farm a field full of talking politicians? If so, I wonder what they grow? Probably the national debt.
I’m wise when it comes to your issues, and a fool when it comes to mine. Emotion is the blindfold we cannot see or feel we’re wearing.
Love is like a summer rainstorm in winter. Where I’m from that’s called romance. Where you’re from that may be called snow.
Dear mom, My lieutenant is a prostitute. Can you please send me more lunch money, as her rates have recently increased.
My grandpa never read the newspaper. Not because he was particularly optimistic, but because he was illiterate. He taught me to read by watching TV.
My ex girlfriend said she’d never cheat on me. Well, she did—with an accountant. Now I owe money to the IRS.
