What if a statue of me walked past my clone frozen in thought? Which one of the two would make a better quarterback than Geno Smith?
I’m a fan of Meatloaf. He has a voice like it’s covered in thick gravy. There’s nothing better to make love to, with the possible exception of grandma’s casserole.
What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two.
My advice for a healthy life: love, laugh, and pee in the shower. High school class reunions would be better if divided by gender and held in the locker rooms.
Your dead cat would look great on my t-shirt—along with tire tracks on my chest. What better time is there to love than now?
My cat’s favorite chew toy is a pen. I’d wager that he is a better writer than me.
There was nothing dishonourable in not being blown about by every little modern wind. Better to have worth, to entrench, to be an oak of one's own generation.
I talked to David yesterday, but since it is a statue, it didn’t talk back. I have to say, it was a better conversationalist than my last date.
I want to merge oven mitts with boxing gloves, so I could effectively, and safely, fight fires. After all, fire fighters make better lovers.
I want to buy “A Touch of Gray,” because I’d look more distinguished with a touch of gray in my hair. Also, geriatrics make better lovers.
The night before I’m murdered,” said the voice over in my head, “will be at noon.” I’d better write and mail all my love letters in my mannequin handwriting.
I’m trying to be a better gangsta, so I’m learning how to play the ukulele. I'm also trying to figure out how to rap a romance novel, like The Notebook.
I don't think any man could solve the world's problems overnight, myself included. You'd better give me at least two days.
My hair isn’t turning gray. It’s actually silver, and it’s going up in value, so you’d better buy it before the currency is completely devalued.
I watch baseball on TV like my cat watches the window. Somebody open the blinds so we can see better!
Don't you think it's better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?
And just look at these men: their eye saith it - they know nothing better on earth than to be with a woman. Filth is at the bottom of their souls; and alas! If their filth hath spirit in it!
So little is actually worthy of belief or disbelief. Better to strive to coexist than seek to disapprove . . .
For, so inconsistent is human nature, especially in the ideal, that not to undertake a thing at all seems better than to undertake and come short.
It is amazing how your life changes when you embrace the reality that you're better than the life you've settled for.
Over the years, everyone stumbles. That's why I'll be here for you — and you'll be there for me. I don't expect perfection. I want you, and you're a thousand times better.
