[Frank Drebin is emptying out his files after being kicked off the force] Frank: Hey! The missing evidence in the Kelner case! My God, he really was innocent! Ed: He went to the chair two years ago, Frank. Frank: Well, uh... [Frank Drebin quickly sho...
Jane: I've heard police work is dangerous. Frank: It is. That's why I carry a big gun. Jane: Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally? Frank: I used to have that problem. Jane: What did you do about it? Frank: I just think about baseball.
Ed: [after Ludwig has been shot with a cuff link dart, fallen off a building, run over by a bus, flattened by a steam roller, and trampled by a marching band] Oh, Frank! It's horrible. That's so horrible! Frank: [comforts Ed] I know, Ed. Ed: My fathe...
Max Schumacher: We could make a series of it. "Suicide of the Week." Aw, hell, why limit ourselves? "Execution of the Week." Howard Beale: "Terrorist of the Week." Max Schumacher: I love it. Suicides, assassinations, mad bombers, Mafia hitmen, automo...
[In the middle of a desert. Clark is going crazy as he trots through the hills. Two native Americans on horses watch him] Clark: We pass a damn gas station every hundred yards for a thousand miles, but when you really need one, you end up walking you...
Carol: Max made fools of us, Noodles! He wanted to die! Did you know his old man died in the nuthouse? Max didn't want to end up the same way, so he put the idea in our heads to tip off the cops. And when they stopped the truck, Max started shooting ...
Linus: [Yen's cast is caught in vault door, Unaware that Yen is trapped, Danny and Linus try to blow the door but the bomb doesnt go off] Did you check the batteries? [pause] Linus: You know, you lose focus in this game for one second... Danny: I kno...
Danny: Tess, you're doing a great job curating the museum, the Vermeer is quite good, simple, vibrant, but his work definitely fell off as he got older. Tess: Remind you of anyone? Danny: And I always confuse Monet and Manet. Now which one married hi...
[Frank just knocked Morton off of his crutches] Morton: Is that sufficient to make you feel stronger? Frank: I could squash you like a wormy apple! Morton: Sure. But you won't do it... because it's... not to your advantage... Frank: Hmm. Who knows ho...
Janet: Do you know what I would do if someone did that to me? I would kill him, I wouldn't hesitate. I would stab him 78 times. I would chop off his fingers, slash his throat open, carve numbers in his chest, gouge out his eyes, I swear to God!... Bu...
George Baines: What happened? Tell me. Tell me! Where is she? Shh. Quiet down! Quiet down. Where is she? Flora: He chopped it off. George Baines: What did she tell him? What did she tell him? I'm going to crush his skull. Flora: Nooo! No, no! He'll c...
Tracy Lord: [Tracy and Mike have almost kissed. Both are very drunk] Has your mind taken hold again, dear professor? Macaulay Connor: Good thing, don't you agree? Tracy Lord: No, professor. Macaulay Connor: [angrily] Alright, lay off that "professor"...
Kitty Fane: By the way, you might be happy to know that I am just as useless to the nuns as I am to you. Walter Fane: I shut off the town's only water supply today. Kitty Fane: What will you do? Walter Fane: I have no idea. Kitty Fane: Hmm. Then I su...
FBI Director Womack: Just clippers, no scissors. Paul the Hotel Barber: No scissors, you've got to be kidding me, no scissors. I mean, did they tell Picasso "no brush"? FBI Director Womack: With scissors, this man could kill you. John Mason: I can't ...
Sheriff of Nottingham: Criminently, Trigger! Point that peashooter the other way. Trigger: Don't you worry none, Sheriff. The safety's on Old Betsy. [Old Betsy goes off] Sheriff of Nottingham: What in tarnation you tryin' to do, you birdbrain? Trigge...
Tennis Match Commentator #1: That's 72 unforced errors for Richie Tenebaum. He's playing the worst tennis of his life. What's he feeling right now, Tex Hayward? Tex Hayward: I don't know, Jim. There's obviously something wrong with him. He's taken of...
Royal: [laying some flowers on the grave of his mother - Helen O'Reilly Tenenbaum, 1899-1954] She was a tough old broad, wasn't she? Chas: I wouldn't know. Excuse me. [he starts to head off with his sons Ari and Uzi to visit their mother's grave] Roy...
Lisa: The last thing Mrs. Thorwald would leave behind would be her wedding ring. Stella, do you ever leave yours at home? Stella: The only way somebody would get that would be to chop off my - finger. Let's go down to the garden and find out what's b...
Wendy: [Marv has just easily shrugged off the ropes] You sat there and took it... when you could've taken my gun away from me any time you wanted to... Marv: Sure, but I thought I might be able to talk some sense into you. And I probably would've had...
Dwight: It wasn't "Stop." Shellie wasn't saying "Stop." If I had waited and listened to her, I would've known. I could've warned the girls to go easy. To settle for scaring them off. Shellie didn't say "Stop," she said "Cop." He's a *cop*. Detective ...
Defiant Helm Crewman: Main power is off-line, we've lost shields and our weapons are gone! Lt. Commander Worf: [hits console] Perhaps today *is* a good day to die! Prepare for ramming speed! Defiant Helm Crewman: Sir, there's another star ship coming...
