Quotes of: Best-time Keyword

I’d rate myself five stars, and those stars would all be fish. My review was of how well I walked on the beach.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I water my driveway, and I drive a hard bargain to work (it gets great gas mileage).

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Something’s different about Mr. Different. The same can’t be said about Ms. Same. The two would make the best lovers, but that’s impossible, because I’m the best lover.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Despite marking the spot, Generation X has no treasure. How could they, when I dug it up first?

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

My love may be invisible, but that doesn’t mean you can’t taste it. (It tastes like a sonic boom, only not as bitter).

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If I can delay your action with my inaction, then I’ll gladly do nothing for the good of the no good.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’ll never be as old as someone older than me, but I can be older than them if I outlive their lifespan.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Am I the only guy that holds a flute of champagne like it’s a musical instrument?

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I love like a leaf in the wind. Please, hold your applause until the end of the performance (the last day of fall).

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

My sheets are so white they look like Google’s homepage. They even have a touch of red on them, from that double homicide back in December.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

He was thoughtless, not because he was insensitive, but because I had just eaten his brain and his skull was empty.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If green carpet grew on trees instead of leaves, I’d pick off a few cats—with my rifle.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

A sister should set her brother up with one of her friends, unless her only friend is her sister.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If politicians lived to be only 30-years-old before dying, that’d still be 30 years too long.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

It’s just a dream, I told myself. I hate when I dream of alarm clocks going off.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Throw a pair of Band-Aids over your eyelids, and open your eyes to your wounds.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m thinking of changing my name to “Son of Manana.” Of course it isn’t accurate, because I’m the father of yesterday.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of taking away your freedoms. –Uncle Sam 

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I put the hop in IHOP, and jumped on my pan of pancakes and then on to Panama. That’s standard government issued foolishness right there.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks