My girlfriend just had a baby. We've known each other for six months, so I'm pretty stunned to find myself becoming a father so soon. I hope the baby looks like me!
Instead of complimentary breakfasts, why not complimentary compliments? Telling someone they’re looking skinny is sure to help them lose weight faster and feel better than, you know, actually eating.
Friendship is like putting butter on your socks before you slide them on. Sure, we all do it occasionally, but most of us would rather eat breakfast bare-handed at least once in a while.
Most of my folks back home think Social Security and Medicare are sacred commitments stronger than the strongest contract. And yet if you look at the details here in Washington, they're not even promises. They're scheduled benefits. I think we need t...
A government is for the benefit of all the people.
While most individuals use the flesh of the coconut in their cooking, coconut water and oil are also known to have numerous health benefits.
The benefits of forgiveness are limitless.
A brick could be used to help defeat all incumbent politicians whose last name starts with Brj and anything after that alphabetically. Since people tend to vote for the first one on the ballot, Brick would not only benefit from the stupidity of the c...
If you just found out you had six months left to live, the first thing I’d do is apologize for not delivering the letter 182 days ago, when your doctor first handed it to me to hand to you.
I met a girl today, and she wants to go out tonight. I'm like, What's the rush? I'm thirty years old, and fate has made me wait three decades to meet you, so what's another ten years?
A water fountain is a drinkable sculpture. I just drank one shaped like my father, and I can’t wait to shoot him out of my penis, so I can abandon him like he did to me.
I'm a competitor, and I welcome competition. My ideal matchup would be the best versus the best, or more concretely, me versus my clone. I don't know if he'd beat me or if I'd beat him, but I could guarantee that no matter who wins, I'd win.
My biggest life influences are people of the future, people yet to be born. Two people, in particular: Zax Xaz and Xaz Zax, who were both named after their father, John Smith—though they don’t share the same father, mother, or taste in food.
I had a dream about you. You were naked from the waist down, and you were lecturing me on the merits of pantslessness. I wasn’t naked, but you didn’t notice, because I was wearing the flesh of another man, whom I’d earlier killed and skinned.�...
She texted me telling me her mom was dying, so I did the right thing and texted her back a picture of my erect penis and said, “Let’s start a new family.
People say I’m not punctual. That’s absurd, because I’m early. It’s my fame and wealth that are late. Once they get here, nobody will care what time I show up—just so long as I show up.
Leading up to my life is a long line of dead bodies. These are my ancestors, and I respect them, but I’m glad I don’t have to bury them all. I just have to bury my grandfather, before the cops get here.
I like to bunch words together to form new words, like "off" and "ice" to form "office." But I have no idea what an office is, because I avoid work like the plague. Is office even a real word?
There are red splatters all over my shirt. Is that spaghetti sauce—or a murder stain? Somebody go look for my mother-in-law, and if you find her, let me know so I can move the body to a better hiding spot.
I had a dream about you. I was a parakeet in flight, and you were an empty cage. I felt bad, because if you were empty it meant that all the criminals were free to run this country into the ground from Washington DC.
For the longest time I thought I was blind, until I realized my eyelids were just shut. So I unzipped my pants and got on with my life. After I quit the Helen Keller Society, of course.
