Most people assume because my name is Jarod that I was born Martha proof. But I'm not Martha proof—I'm merely Martha resistant up to 100 meters.
God gave man feet for which to walk. And crush grapes. Can I get you a glass of wine? It’s homemade, though it kind of smells funky.
I wasn’t around when Kennedy got shot. Not being born yet is a pretty good alibi. Still, if the cops ask where I was, tell them I was with you.
I'm no gumshoe, but I think I have gum on my shoe. Either that or I'm stuck in place because I'm afraid to take the first step in a new direction.
I had a dream about you. You were two chickens away from being duck soup, and I was a fork and a knife shy of being able to eat you.
If I were named Brad Pitt, I’d thank the actor by the same name, because due to his hard work and handsomeness, I’d be famous.
There’s late, there’s fashionably late, and then there’s me, who’s always unfashionably late. If the party starts at 8:00 on March 5th, I’ll be there at 8:00 on March 5th—the following year.
She asked me if I had a light. I asked her if she was a wizard. She said no, so I felt safe in pulling out my pocket dragon.
I still have wagon splinters stuck to my ass, from when my high school coach made me ride the bench.
There’s a hurricane coming to Florida, and there will be high winds. I should probably turn off my ceiling fans, to try to mitigate the billions of dollars in damages the storm will incur.
I am the Hooray Distributor. Hold your hands flat, not like begging for money, but as if you’re about to applaud. Now clap, damn you.
My last two girlfriends were named Anna, though the second one spelled her name backwards. So instead of Anna, it was spelled Anna, and that's how I came to tell the two apart.
I never heard back from her after our first date, so either she’s dead, or she rejected me. I wonder where her funeral was held.
A mirror is like my own personal reality TV show—where I’m both the star and only viewer. I’ve got to get my ratings up.
I have developed a flavorless soup that’s indistinguishable from hot water. It’s the first soup to taste great frozen. Would you like some to go, in a thermos?
Why don’t we do the whole friends with benefits thing?” he asks seriously. “Because I don’t think I’d enjoy having the benefits you give me removed” I answer back not missing a beat. “Just friends it is then” he says not perturbed and...
Once upon a time, all children were homeschooled. They were not sent away from home each day to a place just for children but lived, learned, worked, and played in the real world, alongside adults and other children of all ages.
Some people think it's a law that when productivity goes up, everybody benefits. There is no economic law that says technological progress has to benefit everybody or even most people. It's possible that productivity can go up and the economic pie ge...
Practically, speaking up against street harassment is not about being a hero, getting credit points to be in the good books of a girl or a chance to impress anyone. It is about making sure that everyone has the right to enjoy that spring breeze, gold...
I told the Nicks I had to nix their idea. I mean it’s silly. Why would I name all my clones Nick Name? If I did that, what would their nicknames be?
I won eight gold medals that day. I was like Michael Phelps, except I was the only person competing in all those events. Still, I count the number of golds, not the number of competitors.
