Quotes of: Benefiting Keyword

The raindrops gathered on my windshield like prostitutes at a political convention, and I voted like I always vote—with my windshield wiper.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I need a camera shutter on my penis hole. That way I could photograph political corruption from the inside.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

If you chose my clone over me, you chose me over me. So I’d get chosen, and I’d get rejected.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

Do you know what I want to do? If you guessed have sex, you win a brand new baby!

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I like my women like I like my sugar—refined. Actually, I like my sugar natural, like my mannequin sex.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

She said I brought her nothing but sorrow. I replied, “Consider it a gift that you didn’t have to unwrap.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

My humble spirit takes shape as mashed potatoes on the side. I already ate the instructions.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

It may seem strange that one with whom I had held so little communion should have so engrossed my thoughts, but benefits conferred awaken love in some minds, as surely as benefits received in others.

Phantastes

One fall day in Boston, a tall mechanical engineering student named Joe entered the student union at Harvard University. He was all ambition and acne

The Upside of Irrationality: The Unexpected Benefits of Defying Logic at Work and at Home

However, the Administration's plan to privatize Social Security will undermine retirement security for all Americans by cutting guaranteed benefits by more than 40 percent, and risky private accounts won't make up for the loss of benefits for million...

Ruben Hinojosa

A retired teacher paid $62,000 towards her pension and nothing, yes nothing, for full family medical, dental and vision coverage over her entire career. What will we pay her? $1.4 million in pension benefits and another $215,000 in health care benefi...

Chris Christie

President Clinton not only benefits by gay and lesbian votes, but he benefits by showing the nation that he is a strong leader who implements his beliefs, who stands firm by those who he believes are being treated unfairly, and I think people respect...

David Mixner

To mark the 10-year anniversary of 9/11, I wanted to launch an FDNY shirt that pays tribute to the brave first responders who, like my father, risk their lives in the line of duty on a regular basis. All of the proceeds raised from the sale of the T-...

Mark Sanchez

Riding a bicycle makes you impotent. That’s why I carry a bicycle seat in my pocket—because it’s better than wearing a condom.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I have a body like a mannequin. I must, because instead of women trying to get me naked, they only want to see me with clothes on.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

My cat’s favorite sport is economics, and his favorite player is Ben Bernanke. But it’s just too violent for me to enjoy.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I tell people, "Yeah, I went to Harvard University." What I don't tell them is I was only there for five minutes delivering a pizza.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

The cool thing about vests is they have no sleeves. I guess their target market is people with no arms. Raise your hand if you disagree.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

To get more liquids in my diet, I’ve started eating more soup and cereal. Anything that’s watered down, including my relationship.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

My penis smells like pasta. Also, I personally tested it out, and your spaghetti's not too hot now, if you want to eat it.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

While I was waiting for my shoulders to fill out, I decided to fill out the football application. That’s how you make the team, right?


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You