People can cry when they’re happy or sad. Tears are tasty and drinkable on all occasions.
The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit YouThe first airplanes looked more like flying furniture than the soaring dildos of today.
The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit YouShe gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names.
The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit YouThe ocean waves were choppy. Good thing I know karate and was able to fight back.
The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit YouA rose is a mixture of flower and thorns, which means it’s half “Let’s fuck,” and half “fuck you.
The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit YouI don't eat applesauce, but I do eat applause. I don't use a spoon—I eat applause with my hands.
The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit YouI want a job with a great deal of freedom, like riding on the back of a bald eagle.
The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit YouFour walls don’t make a home. Neither does having a roof over your mouth.
The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit YouOn influence: If you want to have a lot of pull, don't go pushing people around.
The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit YouHe graduated law school, but he didn’t pass the bar. No, he stopped in and got drunk.
The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit YouI make my own luck, and I make it in a pot. Then I bring it to potlucks.
The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit YouMy wife and I went on vacation to get away. I went to Colorado, and she went to Ireland.
The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit YouThe fastest way to divide your marital chores is with a karate chop. I’ll take the smaller half.
The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit YouI am the red in remembered. Why am I red? Because I'm embarrassed.
The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit YouI once saw a cockroach try to step on a politician, because it thought it was vile and disgusting.
The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You