My cat’s favorite sport is economics, and his favorite player is Ben Bernanke. But it’s just too violent for me to enjoy.
I tell people, "Yeah, I went to Harvard University." What I don't tell them is I was only there for five minutes delivering a pizza.
The cool thing about vests is they have no sleeves. I guess their target market is people with no arms. Raise your hand if you disagree.
To get more liquids in my diet, I’ve started eating more soup and cereal. Anything that’s watered down, including my relationship.
My penis smells like pasta. Also, I personally tested it out, and your spaghetti's not too hot now, if you want to eat it.
While I was waiting for my shoulders to fill out, I decided to fill out the football application. That’s how you make the team, right?
True freedom is an empty cup, because it can be filled with anything. Freedom sounds great, until someone hands it to you, and then it just makes you thirsty.
Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his urethra. If you hurry, you can make it to mine in under 15 dollars. I mean minutes.
What if those weren’t ear hairs, but cockroach antennas, and that’s why your grandpa loves listening to political rhetoric so much?
I didn’t buy the wart remover, because I didn’t want my wart removed—just relocated, to Washington DC, with the rest of the warts in this country.
I wonder if when a politician dies, he gets reincarnated as a higher life form, like a cockroach. Well, maybe not that high up the dignity chain.
A six-fingered man went to give me a high-five, and I got confused, so I left him hanging. By a noose.
Yesterday I bought myself a karate trophy. But I feel like I won it, because the salesman really beat me up over the price.
Forget cloning. I can make people. It’s called sex, and it’s more fun than science.
The sky smashed into my face, but I didn’t say anything, because aside from a warm breeze, I didn’t feel anything.
I couldn't decide whether to take a nap or not, so I did what I always do when thinking over a decision—I slept on it.
I have a hidden talent. I hid it in the dungeon. Why don’t you go down there and have a look at it? I’ll lock up after you.
When she walked out of my life, I raced after her. I was scrambling like scrambled eggs that were runny.
I am so tired - so tired of being of being whirled on through all these phases of my life, in which nothing abides by me, no creature, no place; it is like the circle in which the victims of earthly passion eddy continually.
Being brave...is not always being unafraid. Maybe it's more like doing what you know is right even when you're too tired. Or scared. It's going on and doing it anyway...even when you think you can't take one more step.
