Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his urethra. If you hurry, you can make it to mine in under 15 dollars. I mean minutes.
What if those weren’t ear hairs, but cockroach antennas, and that’s why your grandpa loves listening to political rhetoric so much?
I didn’t buy the wart remover, because I didn’t want my wart removed—just relocated, to Washington DC, with the rest of the warts in this country.
I wonder if when a politician dies, he gets reincarnated as a higher life form, like a cockroach. Well, maybe not that high up the dignity chain.
A six-fingered man went to give me a high-five, and I got confused, so I left him hanging. By a noose.
Yesterday I bought myself a karate trophy. But I feel like I won it, because the salesman really beat me up over the price.
Forget cloning. I can make people. It’s called sex, and it’s more fun than science.
The sky smashed into my face, but I didn’t say anything, because aside from a warm breeze, I didn’t feel anything.
I couldn't decide whether to take a nap or not, so I did what I always do when thinking over a decision—I slept on it.
I have a hidden talent. I hid it in the dungeon. Why don’t you go down there and have a look at it? I’ll lock up after you.
When she walked out of my life, I raced after her. I was scrambling like scrambled eggs that were runny.
I am so tired - so tired of being of being whirled on through all these phases of my life, in which nothing abides by me, no creature, no place; it is like the circle in which the victims of earthly passion eddy continually.
Being brave...is not always being unafraid. Maybe it's more like doing what you know is right even when you're too tired. Or scared. It's going on and doing it anyway...even when you think you can't take one more step.
Love is 60% water, because a human being, the essence of love, is 60% water. But that’s the other 40% made up of? Easy—minty green tea and honey.
Among the beliefs I held about the world was that being beautiful should not matter to a woman, because it was one of those things that would go away--your beauty would go away, and there wouldn't be anything you could do to bring it back.
While like most men, Sam prided himself on being equipped with a supernatural internal compass that kept him from ever being lost, he'd also learned to concede those rare times when that compass seemed to be temporary disrepair.
How would your life be different if…You stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day…You look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey.
When forever becomes a place...when forever ceases to be just a word… when it ceases to be just a measurement of time…but instead becomes a place where soul mates can dance to the song in their hearts... that is a reflection of true love.
Just an observation: it is impossible to be both grateful and depressed. Those with a grateful mindset tend to see the message in the mess. And even though life may knock them down, the grateful find reasons, if even small ones, to get up.
How would your life be different if…You stopped validating your victim mentality? Let today be the day…You shake off your self-defeating drama and embrace your innate ability to recover and achieve.
