Quotes of: Being-broke Keyword

I keep a human brain in my pocket, because you never know when you’ll never know.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

Tonight I’m on Meow Patrol. Do you have a fur coat I can borrow?

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

In the absence of a cat, I’d consider cuddling with a synthetic fur coat. Especially if your dead grandma was wearing it.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I don’t drink coffee. Sorry, I don’t mean to burden you with my personal problems.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I once took a vow of silence that lasted almost two years. Then, on my second birthday, I relented and started talking.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I’d like to sit around a campfire with a couple of cowboys and argue over who’s going to turn on the stove. 

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

My bed feels empty without my ex wife in it. Also, I’m not in it, so that’s probably why it feels so empty.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

As soon as we met, she probably imagined herself marrying me. Then within five minutes, she was probably already envisioning divorce.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

He told me he was getting married, and I told him I approved of his upcoming divorce.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I felt like eating steak, but instead I took my cow for a walk. I mean dog.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I have family all over. And when they’re all over, I leave the house and go anywhere else. 

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I never knew my father. I saw him at a party once, but he never walked over and introduced himself to me.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I possess an object that reminds me of your stepdad’s bowel movements. It’s brown and squishy and smells like yesterday.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

The letters of my name are scrambled like eggs. They should be sunny side up, like Dark Jar Tin Zoo.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I eat cereal with a hammer, because I operate with a government-level efficiency. Let’s build a smarter tomorrow—with a spoon.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I’m still at work. I’m also still at work (I’m trying to remain motionless until the end of my shift).

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I’ll kill you with kindness. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll kill you with something deadlier, like a karate chop.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

Things are always funnier when you have someone to laugh with. That’s why I laugh alone, in the mirror.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I love sleepwalking, because when else would I get to combine exercise and rest?

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

My wife and I were together for two years. Those were the best two days of my life.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I went fishing. I didn’t catch a creature with scales, but I did reel in sheet music. It had scales, and was quite tasty. 

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You