In the morning when thou risest unwillingly, let this thought be present - I am rising to the work of a human being. Why then am I dissatisfied if I am going to do the things for which I exist and for which I was brought into the world?
JACKIE. I swear to God: Being in love with Veronica - it's like feeding your love to Godzilla every morning, and every morning you go "Yo, 'Zilla, these shits are very delicate so please chew softly", - and every morning - the motherfucker just goes ...
By first grade, my sense of worth was in direct proportion to what I learned and what I contributed back to the class. I had already become a human doing instead of a human being.
A person without her or his own truth ain't a person at all, Ida said. Anybody who tells you different—is a jackass, and no longer deserves to be called human being.
I accidentally sealed the box shut with my penis still inside, not realizing I may need to use it later. Being in love can be so distracting.
Riding a bicycle makes you impotent. That’s why I carry a bicycle seat in my pocket—because it’s better than wearing a condom.
I have a body like a mannequin. I must, because instead of women trying to get me naked, they only want to see me with clothes on.
My cat’s favorite sport is economics, and his favorite player is Ben Bernanke. But it’s just too violent for me to enjoy.
I tell people, "Yeah, I went to Harvard University." What I don't tell them is I was only there for five minutes delivering a pizza.
The cool thing about vests is they have no sleeves. I guess their target market is people with no arms. Raise your hand if you disagree.
To get more liquids in my diet, I’ve started eating more soup and cereal. Anything that’s watered down, including my relationship.
My penis smells like pasta. Also, I personally tested it out, and your spaghetti's not too hot now, if you want to eat it.
While I was waiting for my shoulders to fill out, I decided to fill out the football application. That’s how you make the team, right?
True freedom is an empty cup, because it can be filled with anything. Freedom sounds great, until someone hands it to you, and then it just makes you thirsty.
Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his urethra. If you hurry, you can make it to mine in under 15 dollars. I mean minutes.
What if those weren’t ear hairs, but cockroach antennas, and that’s why your grandpa loves listening to political rhetoric so much?
I didn’t buy the wart remover, because I didn’t want my wart removed—just relocated, to Washington DC, with the rest of the warts in this country.
I wonder if when a politician dies, he gets reincarnated as a higher life form, like a cockroach. Well, maybe not that high up the dignity chain.
A six-fingered man went to give me a high-five, and I got confused, so I left him hanging. By a noose.
Yesterday I bought myself a karate trophy. But I feel like I won it, because the salesman really beat me up over the price.
