Clones: Why should you take the blame for your mistakes when there’s a genetic replica of yourself that’d make a perfectly good scapegoat?
My brain is an amazing machine. Too bad I can’t take credit for it. As brilliant as I am, think how profound the Designer that created me is.
I love body language, because I can speak it without talking, without listening, and while my back is turned.
Day or night, I can’t see the wind. But at night, it feels like I can see it even less. What’s less visible than invisible?
You may be dying, but I’m going to have a picnic and enjoy this glorious day. I won’t let your impending death spoil my afternoon.
Death is like bedtime—we all want to put it off until tomorrow. But when you’re going to bed, I’m just getting up, Lazarus style.
While getting a haircut, I thought about my failed marriage. Instead of feeling bad, I thought I’d grow a beard, move to the mountains, and start over.
I come bearing gifts in the form of junk food. You’re welcome. I would have brought some drugs, but I’m not a doctor.
A leap of faith doesn’t involve leg strength. Still, I can’t take any chances, so I’ve been doing squats.
I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an eggroll as I’ll ever be.
Back in high school, I started a gang called “The Illiterates.” To easily identify fellow gang members, we all wore letterman jackets.
Don’t bother calling the cops, because nobody can find me here. I know, because after all these years, I’m still trying to find myself.
Sometimes looking like you know is better than actually knowing. People respect you, and defer to you, yet you don’t have the burden that comes with heavy knowledge.
Instead of putting a Band Aid on your cut finger, why not just amputate at the elbow? See, I’m a problem solver. I should go into politics.
It’s disturbing to me that criminals are freely roaming the streets of our nation’s capital. I’m not talking about escaped prison inmates—I’m talking about politicians.
A writer edits his thoughts more thoroughly the more readers he has. You can tell I only have two readers, myself included.
She had two blueberries for eyes, and hair the color of strawberries. Too bad our love never made it past the kitchen and into the bedroom (or garage).
I want a trophy wife. I’ll keep her on the shelf next to my future Nobel peace prize. (I plan on inventing a gun that shoots love, not bullets.)
Confining marine animals to tanks and separating them from their families and their natural surroundings, just so people can watch them swim in endless circles, teaches us far more about humans than it does about animals - and the lesson is not a fla...
I made tons of films. I did animation for my friends' films. I animated scenes just for the fun of it. Most of my stuff was bad, but I had fun, and I tried everything I knew to get better.
No other animal bonds to a human being the way a dog does. And I suspect there is no other animal to which human beings can bond the way we can bond to a dog.
