I make believe like asexuals make love—alone, with cardboard tubes.
A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal KingdomHe said he thinks he’s God, and I said, In that case, I’m an atheist.
A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal KingdomThe idea of a blind date scares me. But a deaf date would be great.
A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal KingdomI am Vigalig the Destroyer. Except during the day, and then I am Gigalig the Giggler.
A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal KingdomI’m more terrified of failure than rejection—so I’ll no my way to YES!
A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal KingdomSometimes it feels like I’m walking around with bricks for shoes, not going anywhere.
A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal KingdomTwo hearts that beat as one, and they’re both mine. I’ve got them hooked up to a synchometer.
A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal KingdomI told him he needed a faucet and a basin, and I let this information sink in.
A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal KingdomI didn’t form my lips into the shape of a kiss. I was merely about to whistle.
A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal KingdomGetting struck by lightning is like winning the lottery, only it’ll ruin your life faster.
A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal KingdomI covered up my mistakes—with dirt, like you’d do with any other dead bodies.
A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal KingdomIf I could have money for any amount of time, I’d take 12:59.
A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal KingdomI hired a chauffeur and I became a motivational speaker, because I don’t drive—I’m driven.
A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal KingdomEvery mission needs ammunition, even if it’s not bullets, but fiery pep talks.
A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal KingdomI’m lyrically illiterate. Actually, more accurately, I can’t read music.
A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal KingdomMichael Phelps collects huhs. Huh? His mouth said nothing, but his actions said it all.
A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal KingdomBefore you enter politics, I pray you lose your anal virginity to a unicorn.
A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal KingdomMake your vote count. Be the guy responsible for counting and tallying all the votes.
A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom