Harry Potter isn’t real? Oh no! Wait, wait, what do you mean by real? Is this video blog real? Am I real if you can see me and hear me, but only through the internet? Are you real if I can read your comment but I don’t know who you are or what yo...
Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay L...
Over the years, I have noticed that the child who learns quickly is adventurous. She's ready to run risks. She approaches life with arms outspread. She wants to take it all in. She still has the desire of the very young child to make sense out of thi...
A mouse can fall down a mine shaft a third of a mile deep without injury. A rat falling the same distance would break his bones; a man would simply splash ... Elephants have their legs thickened to an extent that seems disproportionate to us, but thi...
They were frisky, eager and exuberant, and they had all been friends in the States. They were plainly unthinkable. They were noisy, overconfident, empty-headed kids of twenty-one. They had gone to college and were engaged to pretty, clean girls whose...
Third Cab Driver: Can't you see I'm talking on the phone? Huh? Give me two minutes! Now listen to me, Sir, I... [Looks back at Melville] Melville Crump: Will you take us to Santa Rosita state park? Third Cab Driver: What's the matter, what happened t...
Tyler Fitzgerald: You know what I need? I need a drink. There's some ice and stuff back there. Why don't you make us all some old fashioneds? Ding Bell: "Old Fashions"? Do you think you oughta drink while you're flying? Tyler Fitzgerald: Well stop ki...
Baloo: [singing] Now when you pick a pawpaw / Or a prickly pear/ And you prick a raw paw / Well, next time beware / Don't pick the prickly pear by the paw / When you pick a pear try to use the claw / But you don't need to use the claw / When you pick...
Jerry Johnson: You know, I must say, we have heard some strange things coming out of your office in New Orleans. First, we heard that the Cuban exiles killed the President. Then the mob. Now your latest theory seems to be that the CIA, the FBI, and t...
Louis: Eckhart saw Hell too. He said: The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you, he said. They're freeing your soul. So, if ...
Leah: God you're getting huge. How many months has it been now? Juno MacGuff: Um it's coming up on the eighth. You should see me naked. Leah: I wish my funbags would get bigger. Juno MacGuff: Trust me, you don't. I actually have to wear a bra now and...
Juno MacGuff: The funny thing is that Steve Rendazo secretly wants me. Jocks like him always want freaky girls. Girls with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan footwear and Goth makeup. Girls who play the cello and wear Converse All-Stars and want to be chi...
[in the waiting room of the afterlife] Barbara: Adam, is this what happens when you die? Receptionist: This is what happens when *you* die. [points at a gaunt man smoking] Receptionist: That is what happens when *he* dies. [points at a woman cut in h...
Lydia: Are you the guys hiding out in the attic? Adam: We're ghosts! Lydia: What do you look like under there? Adam: Aren't you scared? Lydia: I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all...
Timothy Cavendish: [narrating] While my extensive experience as an editor has led me to a disdain for flashbacks and flash forwards and all such tricksy gimmicks I believe that if you, dear Reader, can extend your patience for just a moment, you will...
Nurse Noakes: You are going to be sorry in ways you cannot even imagine. Mr. Meeks: [shrieks to draw attention of the crowd in the pub] Are there no true Scotsmen in the house? Those there English gerrunts are trampling all over my God-given rights! ...
[first lines] Zachry: [shivering beside the fire] Oh, lonesome night. And babbits bawling, the wind biting the bone. Wind like this... full of voices. Ancestry howling at you, yibbering stories, all voices tied up into one. One voice differing. One v...
Roger Strong: Frank, would you like to say grace? [Long pause] Roger Strong: Unless you're not comfortable. Frank Abagnale, Jr.: Absolutely. Two little mice fell into a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned, but the second mous...
Mr. Bernstein: A fellow will remember a lot of things you wouldn't think he'd remember. You take me. One day, back in 1896, I was crossing over to Jersey on the ferry, and as we pulled out, there was another ferry pulling in, and on it there was a gi...
[Discussing a new prisoner who has to spend the night in the box] Dragline: He ain't in the box because of the joke played on him. He back-sassed a free man. They got their rules. We ain't got nothin' to do with that. Would probably have happened to ...
[about a bum on a park bench] Ann: Every time I see one of those old guys, I always think the same thing. Mark: What do you think? Ann: I always think that he was once somebody's baby boy. Really, I do. I think he was once somebody's baby boy, and he...
