Quotes by Tim Vine

About Tim Vine:

Timothy Mark "Tim" Vine is an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books. In 2010 and 2014, Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and was runner up in 2011, 2012 and 2013.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Tim Vine

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

Tim Vine

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

Tim Vine

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Tim Vine

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Tim Vine

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Tim Vine

One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.

Tim Vine

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite t...

Tim Vine

For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life.

Tim Vine

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Tim Vine

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

Tim Vine

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

Tim Vine

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

Tim Vine

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

Tim Vine

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

Tim Vine

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Tim Vine

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Tim Vine

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

Tim Vine

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

Tim Vine

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

Tim Vine

Author Bio

  • NameTim Vine
  • DescriptionEnglish comedian
  • BornMarch 4, 1967
  • CountryUnited Kingdom
  • ProfessionComedian