It’s mind-blowing and delicious and better than finding a pot of gold, a unicorn, and a leprechaun who shits diamonds at the end of a rainbow.
My father had bought him a shirt that said “Sure you can date my daughter. In a completely unrelated topic, have you seen my shotgun?
I don’t even get the term, “the birds and the bees”. How does that properly teach a kid about sex? You never see a pigeon railing a dove or a honey bee sticking it to a bumble bee.
It all just depends on the person you're with. If you can look at that person and know without a doubt that you want to spend the rest of your life kissing them goodnight and waking up next to them, marriage is for you.
Liz asked me the other day what I thought about twice baked potatoes. How the fuck should I know? Was I supposed to be thinking about twice baked potatoes all this time? Is this where I went wrong? Are grown men supposed to have an opinion about twic...
You hate birthdays yet pee your pants over presents. There is clearly something wrong with you," Garrett joked.
I didn't want to miss out on a chance to congratulate you on your bouncing baby boy.” Garrett’s eyes trailed over to Milo who stood tall with an arrogant smile on his face next to his father. “I’m not sure on the protocol over here, though, i...
I'm sorry, but why does Claire know how to take a punch? I'm not sure I like where this is going," Carter said nervously. "Well, last year Jim made us watch Fight Club for like, the ten- thousandth time. And while I’m all for a little shirtless Bra...
Oh fuck, he was right there. I was wet as hell and he could probably smell me now. I should have eaten strawberries or melon or a dozen roses or an entire mint plant. Did that work for women? I read an article that it worked for men. Their spunk tast...
Claire was going to hate me. Our son was sucked into the pits of hell while I was watching General Hospital. God damn you Brenda and Sonny for making me lose focus.
It was all fun and games until someone else's dick was in your girlfriend's TMJ mouth
If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire’s rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century." "You and 'the boys?' You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already have a secret handshake and a password?" Liz...
I love my best friends, but sometimes, I want to punch them in the face. Lovingly, of course.
Are you really going back there with me?" I ask. "Hell yes I am. Your wish is finally coming true. I will see your vagina. Plus, I really want to see the look on that woman's face when she gets a peek at your plethora of pubes. Your copious curls, yo...
It's easy to forgive someone for the hurt they've caused you. Forgetting is impossible.
