Quotes by Steven Wright

About Steven Wright:

Steven Alexander Wright is an American comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

Steven Wright

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Steven Wright

George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized ...

Steven Wright

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

Steven Wright

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Steven Wright

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

Steven Wright

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Steven Wright

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Steven Wright

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.

Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Steven Wright

Author Bio

  • NameSteven Wright
  • DescriptionAmerican actor and author
  • BornDecember 6, 1955
  • CountryUnited States Of America
  • ProfessionActor; Author