Quotes by Steven Wright

About Steven Wright:

Steven Alexander Wright is an American comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Steven Wright

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

Steven Wright

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

Steven Wright

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Steven Wright

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

Steven Wright

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Steven Wright

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Steven Wright

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Steven Wright

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

Steven Wright

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

Steven Wright

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Steven Wright

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Steven Wright

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Steven Wright

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

Steven Wright

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Steven Wright

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

Steven Wright

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Steven Wright

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Steven Wright

There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - ...

Steven Wright

Author Bio

  • NameSteven Wright
  • DescriptionAmerican actor and author
  • BornDecember 6, 1955
  • CountryUnited States Of America
  • ProfessionActor; Author