Quotes by Steven Wright

About Steven Wright:

Steven Alexander Wright is an American comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Steven Wright

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Steven Wright

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.

Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!

Steven Wright

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Steven Wright

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Steven Wright

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Steven Wright

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Steven Wright

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Steven Wright

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

Steven Wright

Author Bio

  • NameSteven Wright
  • DescriptionAmerican actor and author
  • BornDecember 6, 1955
  • CountryUnited States Of America
  • ProfessionActor; Author