Quotes by Stephen Colbert

About Stephen Colbert:

Stephen Tyrone Colbert is an American comedian, writer, producer, actor, singer, media critic, and television host. He currently hosts the late-night television talk show The Late Show with Stephen Colbert on CBS, succeeding David Letterman.
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Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn

Stephen Colbert

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

Stephen Colbert

But here's the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they're completely deluding themselves. There's simply no way to prove that there is no God. If I didn't hate them so much, I'd feel bad for these folks. Imag...

Stephen Colbert

After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word count up. Of course, just because Jesus replaces the Old Testament doesn't mean that you should necessarily skip it. That would be like skipping j...

Stephen Colbert

Religion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it away from yourself and give it to God. If we had to be accountable for every one of our actions, we'd be crippled with indecision. But with religion pointing the way, we c...

Stephen Colbert

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

Stephen Colbert

Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don't drag down my country's statistics just because you ran off and got hitched be...

Stephen Colbert

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

Stephen Colbert

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my dete...

Stephen Colbert

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

Stephen Colbert

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

Stephen Colbert

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

Stephen Colbert

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

Stephen Colbert

I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't...

Stephen Colbert

You can't spell "parentry" without "try." Of course, you'll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with kids are the same ones your parents made with . At least you know how those turn out.

Stephen Colbert

... had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

Stephen Colbert

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a family is defined as two or more people living together who are related by birth, marriage or adoption. In other words, the U.S. Census Bureau is run by radical leftists. Why do you think there's a whole categor...

Stephen Colbert

Just because I haven't put a lot of thought into this book doesn't mean you shouldn't. I warn you to read this book carefully. Savor my ideas. Memorize the pertinent passages. Eat with it, sleep with it, let nature take its course. Because what I hav...

Stephen Colbert

That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.

Stephen Colbert

All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.

Stephen Colbert

Author Bio

  • NameStephen Colbert
  • DescriptionAmerican political satirist, writer, comedian, television host, and actor
  • AliasesStephen Tyrone Colbert
  • BornMay 13, 1964
  • CountryUnited States Of America
  • ProfessionActor; Comedian; Screenwriter; Television Presenter; Novelist; Writer
  • AwardsGrammy Award For Best Spoken Word Album; Writers Guild Of America Award; Primetime Emmy Award