Quotes by Robert Orben

About Robert Orben:

Robert Orben is best known as an American professional comedy writer, though he also worked as a speechwriter for Gerald R. Ford and as a magician. He has written multiple books on comedy, mostly collections of gags and "one-liners" originally written for his newsletter, Orben's Current Comedy, and he has also written books for magicians.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Robert Orben

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

Robert Orben

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Robert Orben

Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

Robert Orben

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Robert Orben

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

Robert Orben

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

Robert Orben

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

Robert Orben

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

Robert Orben

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

Robert Orben

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

Robert Orben

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

Robert Orben

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

Robert Orben

Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer.

Robert Orben

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

Robert Orben

Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Robert Orben

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.

Robert Orben

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Robert Orben

Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

Robert Orben

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Robert Orben

Author Bio

  • NameRobert Orben
  • DescriptionAmerican magician and writer
  • BornMarch 4, 1927
  • ProfessionMagician