Quotes by Paula Poundstone

About Paula Poundstone:

Paula Poundstone is an American stand-up comedian, author, actress, interviewer and commentator. Beginning in the late 1980s, she performed a series of one hour HBO comedy specials. She provided backstage commentary during the 1992 presidential election on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. She is a frequent panelist on National Public Radio's weekly news quiz show Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incient, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose.

Paula Poundstone

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.

Paula Poundstone

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

Paula Poundstone

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

Paula Poundstone

President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.

Paula Poundstone

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

Paula Poundstone

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.

Paula Poundstone

I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.

Paula Poundstone

I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'...

Paula Poundstone

When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.

Paula Poundstone

There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.

Paula Poundstone

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

Paula Poundstone

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

Paula Poundstone

I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.

Paula Poundstone

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

Paula Poundstone

The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer.

Paula Poundstone

There are those wonderful moments of clarity in life when one is reminded how irreparably flawed we humans are. Once, when I was nineteen, on the subway in Boston I lost my balance slightly and bumped into an elderly woman. I quickly apologized and s...

Paula Poundstone

I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.

Paula Poundstone

I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.

Paula Poundstone

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

Paula Poundstone

Author Bio

  • NamePaula Poundstone
  • DescriptionAmerican comedian
  • BornDecember 29, 1959