Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

About Mitch Hedberg:

Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Mitch Hedberg

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Mitch Hedberg

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Mitch Hedberg

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Mitch Hedberg

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Mitch Hedberg

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Mitch Hedberg

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Mitch Hedberg

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Mitch Hedberg

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Mitch Hedberg

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Mitch Hedberg

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Mitch Hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Mitch Hedberg

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Mitch Hedberg

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

Mitch Hedberg

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

Mitch Hedberg

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

Mitch Hedberg

Author Bio

  • NameMitch Hedberg
  • Descriptionstand-up comedian
  • BornFebruary 24, 1968
  • DiedMarch 29, 2005
  • CountryUnited States Of America