Quotes by Les Dawson

About Les Dawson:

Leslie "Les" Dawson, Jr. is best remembered for deadpan style, curmudgeonly persona and jokes about his mother-in-law and wife.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

Les Dawson

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

Les Dawson

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

Les Dawson

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'

Les Dawson

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

Les Dawson

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

Les Dawson

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked...

Les Dawson

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

Les Dawson

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

Les Dawson

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

Les Dawson

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

Les Dawson

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

Les Dawson

The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him.

Les Dawson

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

Les Dawson

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

Les Dawson

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

Les Dawson

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

Les Dawson

You do something you're really quite proud of, and the public doesn't like it. Then you do something that perhaps you're not at all happy with and the public loves it. And that's the moment of truth, because it's the audience that's the final judge.

Les Dawson

The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.

Les Dawson

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

Les Dawson

Author Bio

  • NameLes Dawson
  • DescriptionEnglish comedian
  • AliasesLeslie Dawson
  • BornFebruary 2, 1931
  • DiedJune 10, 1993
  • CountryUnited Kingdom