Quotes by Joan Rivers

About Joan Rivers:

Joan Alexandra Molinsky was an American actress, comedian, writer, producer, and television host noted for her often controversial comedic persona—where she was alternately self-deprecating or sharply acerbic, especially toward celebrities and politicians.
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was prob...

Joan Rivers

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Joan Rivers

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Joan Rivers

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

Joan Rivers

My eyes opened, and the first thing I thought of when I could put thoughts together was I want to be in show business. Never wanted anything else. I used to sneak in the costume room at my nursery school and smell the costumes.

Joan Rivers

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.

Joan Rivers

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

Joan Rivers

Show business is - you're there by somebody's fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and the show is going well, you're fine. I'd do anything. There's so much I want to do.

Joan Rivers

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.

Joan Rivers

I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.

Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Joan Rivers

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Joan Rivers

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

Joan Rivers

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I becam...

Joan Rivers

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funn...

Joan Rivers

With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.

Joan Rivers

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Joan Rivers

I could pull my living in and live OK, but I don't want to live OK. I'm very happy to live in my penthouse, very happy I can pick up a check, very happy to have a great life and be able to spread my wealth a little bit.

Joan Rivers

Author Bio

  • NameJoan Rivers
  • DescriptionAmerican stand-up comedienne
  • AliasesJoan Alexandra Molinsky
  • BornJune 8, 1933
  • DiedSeptember 4, 2014
  • CountryUnited States Of America
  • ProfessionComedian; Actor; Television Presenter; Film Director; Screenwriter; Writer
  • AwardsDaytime Emmy Award For Outstanding Talk Show Host; Star On Hollywood Walk Of Fame